Pe'Pa's Best Jokes

I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.

Remembering Jokes

I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh.

People often ask, “How do you remember so many jokes?”

Remembering Jokes

I carry a pen and paper with me most of the time. When I hear a joke that I like, I write down a few words to remind me of it. Later, I add it to my joke-of-the-day list. At the same time, I try to improve upon it by deleting extraneous information and adding new information to make the joke clearer and funnier. For example, I think that Clyde is a funnier name than John.

Here are some examples of my favorite jokes:

Seventy Bucks Is Seventy Bucks

A couple went to a country fair. At the fair, they were offering helicopter rides for seventy dollars.

The man said to his wife, “I’ve always wanted to go up in a helicopter.”

The wife said, “Seventy bucks is seventy bucks.”

So they went back to the same fair the next year, and the guy said to his wife, “I’m eighty this year. I might not get another chance to go up in a helicopter.”

The wife again said, “Seventy bucks is seventy bucks.”

The helicopter pilot overheard the conversation and said “I’ll make a deal with you. You both go up with me. If nobody says a word, it’s free. If either one of you speaks up, it’s seventy bucks.”

So they went up. The pilot did all kinds of tricks and finally landed, and he said, “I can’t believe that nobody said anything.”

The guy said, “I almost spoke up when my wife fell out, but seventy bucks is seventy bucks.”

Three Wise Men

The three wise men went to Bethlehem to visit Joseph and Mary in the stable and to see their newborn son. The extremely tall wise man hit his head on the door frame as he entered and exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!”

Joseph looked at Mary and said, “Write that down. I might like that much better than Clyde.

Doctors Never Laugh

A man went to the doctor and said, “I have a problem, but I am afraid that if I tell you, you’re going to laugh.”

The doctor replied, ”Of course, I won’t laugh. I’m a doctor.  In over twenty years, I have never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” the patient said and dropped his trousers, revealing the tiniest hoo-ha the doctor had ever seen. It couldn’t have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. The doctor apologized profusely and said, “I don’t know what came over me.  On my honor, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.

NEW JOKE BOOK

Great News!

Jack has just published a “Joke Book”

It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.

Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!

Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).

Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.

Who do you know that could use a joke????????

johndgaskell

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