The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
E -Elephant
The teacher said, “Today’s class is going be about animals.
I’m going give you a letter, and I want you to tell me
what animal’s name begins with that letter. But please raise
your hand and wait until I recognize you before giving me
the answer.”
So the teacher said, “E.”
And Johnny jumped up and hollered out, “Elephant!”
The teacher said, “The answer is correct, but I asked
you to please wait till I call on you.”
She then said, “T.”
And Johnny jumped up again and said, “Two elephants!”
The teacher said, “Go to the principal’s office.”
Just as Johnny was going out the door, the teacher
said “M.”
And Johnny hollered, “Maybe an elephant.”
Names
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student,
“What are your parents’ names?”
The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing, and
my mother’s name is Smiling.”
The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”
The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am
Joking.”
Crossing the Street
An old man stepped off a curb and started to cross the
street
A car came screeching around the corner and headed
straight for him. The alarmed man tried to hurry across
the street, but the car changed lanes and maintained its
collision course
So the man turned around and started to cross back to
the curb, but the car switched lanes again
Panicking, the man froze in the middle of the road.
The car pulled up beside him And the window rolled
down The driver was a squirrel
“See,” said the squirrel. “It’s not as easy as it looks.”
Barbie
Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly
realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t
bought her a present He drives to the mall, runs to the
toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is
that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie? We
have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the
Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie
Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when
all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie
comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s
furniture…”
move
Q: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked
him to move?
A: Nah, mastay.
Explorer
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the
first time, and in the center of the tomb, there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it,
a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know
the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s got to be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie I will grant you three wishes, but
whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that
amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool,
and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around
for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and
says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to
death.”
Faithful
A man is only as faithful as his options.
Sister
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your
sister.”
Watching
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in
front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note: “Take all you want. God
is watching the apples.”
mothers
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Betty
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to
which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again,
“Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A
plumber?”
Two days later, a light bulb went out, and she begged
him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work
to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, and the
light bulb is changed
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next-door neighbor?
He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could
either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what
kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?”
Sermon
A new priest does his first mass. He is very nervous,
and he stammers his way through
Afterwards, he approaches the monsignor to ask how
he thought it went. “Well,” says the monsignor, “try a little
wine before you do your next mass.”
So the next time the priest delivers a real fi re-andbrimstone
sermon, after which he asks the monsignor,
“How did I do this time?”
The fellow clergyman replies, “You did well, son, but I
need to clear up a few of your misconceptions.”
“First off, it was the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit,
not ‘Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.’
“Next, David slew Goliath; he didn’t ‘whip the shit out
of him.’
“And last of all we are planning a taffy-pulling contest
here at St. Peter’s, not a ‘Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy.’”
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 
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