Pe'Pa's Best Jokes

I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.

SUPERMAN

Superman

The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.

Superman

Clyde and Clark are standing on the roof of their building

drinking a few beers. When Clark says, “Hey, Clyde, did

you know that if you jump off this building, after you get

down so far a draft will pull you back inside the building

on the third floor?”

“Get out of here,” says Clyde.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the

building and sure enough he is taken in by the draft to

the third-floor window. He takes the elevator back up, and

Clyde is standing there in awe

“I can’t believe it,” says Clyde.

“I know you should try it.” So Clyde hops off and plunges

to the ground

The new doorman, working below, sees Clyde splat to

the ground and screams back up, “Superman, you’re a real

jerk when you’re drunk.”

Broken Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fi x a broken fence at

the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from

Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the

fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure

and does some measuring, then works some figures with

a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about

$900—$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100

profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring

and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700—$300

for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure,

but leans over to the White House official and whispers,

$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure

like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high

figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “One thousand

dollars for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from

Tennessee to fi x the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my

friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Wall

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who

had just passed away As the pallbearers carried the casket

out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint

moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket

and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to

live ten more years and then died, and they held another

funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her

out, her husband yelled, “Watch out for that wall!”

Blind Date

The other night I went out on a blind date. Well, it didn’t

start out that way—she had mace.

Barbie

Q: Did you hear about the new “divorced” Barbie doll

in stores now?

A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

Patriotic Brothers

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their

patriotic duty and enlist in the military

They went to the Air Force recruiter. One of the brothers

speaks up. “We would like to join up, sir.”

“Excellent, tell me what do you do for a living now?”

Billy Ray says, “I’m a pilot.”

“Wonderful, we always need pilots in the Air Force.”

The recruiter looks at Darryl and says, “So what do you

do for a living?”

“I’m a wood chopper,” Darryl replies.

The recruiter frowns, “Oh. Well, I am sorry, sir. I am

afraid I can’t help you.”

Darryl gets a confused look on his face and asks the

recruiter, “What do you mean, you just took my brother?”

“That’s because your brother is a pilot.

Darryl again looks at the recruiter, confused, and says,

“Yeah, but I got to chop the wood before Billy Ray can

pile it!”

men

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world

does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

Advise

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party Their

conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing

their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical

advice

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the

lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you

for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send

them a bill.”

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares

the bills When he goes to place them in his mailbox,

he finds a bill from the lawyer.

Not Guilty

After a three-week criminal trial in a bank robbery case,

the jury finally ends its twenty-four hours of deliberation

and enters the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the

jury reached a verdict?”

“Yes, we have, your honor,” the foreman responds.

“Would you please pass it to me?”

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers

the verdict slip back and says, “Please read your verdict

to the court.”

“We find the defendant not guilty of all four counts of

bank robbery.”

The family and friends of the defendant jump up and

down with joy at the sound of the not-guilty verdict and

hug each other as they show expressions of gratitude.

The defendant’s attorney turns to the client and asks,

“So what do you think about that?”

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a

bewildered look on his face and then turns to the defense

attorney and says,

“I’m really confused here. Does this mean that I have

to give all the money back?”

Traffic Camera

A man is driving along when he notices the flash of a

traffic camera.

He figures that his picture has been taken for exceeding

the speed limit, even though he knows he wasn’t speeding.

Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact

same spot driving even slower this time Again, the camera

flashes.

He knows it is hilarious since he was obviously doing nothing

wrong So he drives even slower as he passes through

the light for a third time. The traffic camera takes his

photo again.

The final time he passes through the light, he is going

thirty miles under the speed limit

Two weeks later, he gets four tickets in the mail for

operating a car without a safety belt.

Same Reason

Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the

same reason

Woman: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!

NEW JOKE BOOK

Great News!

Jack has just published a “Joke Book”

It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.

Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!

Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).

Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.

Who do you know that could use a joke????????

johndgaskell

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