Flight Attendants
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
“In the event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
mask will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask ,and pull it over your face.”
“If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
***
“This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing.”
“Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will
be strip searched as they leave the aircraft.”
***
“Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate.”
“And once the tires smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced. We’ll open the door, and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Wall
A funeral service was being held for a young woman who
had just passed away As the pallbearers carried the casket
out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint
moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket
and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to
live ten more years and then died, and they held another
funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her
out, her husband yelled, “Watch out for that wall!”
Blind Date
The other night I went out on a blind date. Well, it didn’t
start out that way—she had mace.
Barbie
Q: Did you hear about the new “divorced” Barbie doll
in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.
Patriotic Brothers
Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their
patriotic duty and enlist in the military
They went to the Air Force recruiter. One of the brothers
speaks up. “We would like to join up, sir.”
“Excellent, tell me what do you do for a living now?”
Billy Ray says, “I’m a pilot.”
“Wonderful, we always need pilots in the Air Force.”
The recruiter looks at Darryl and says, “So what do you
do for a living?”
“I’m a wood chopper,” Darryl replies.
The recruiter frowns, “Oh. Well, I am sorry, sir. I am
afraid I can’t help you.”
Darryl gets a confused look on his face and asks the
recruiter, “What do you mean, you just took my brother?”
“That’s because your brother is a pilot.
Darryl again looks at the recruiter, confused, and says,
“Yeah, but I got to chop the wood before Billy Ray can
pile it!”
men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Advise
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party Their
conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the
lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you’re out of the offi ce?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send
them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares
the bills When he goes to place them in his mailbox,
he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Not Guilty
After a three-week criminal trial in a bank robbery case,
the jury finally ends its twenty-four hours of deliberation
and enters the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge
The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the
jury reached a verdict?”
“Yes, we have, your honor,” the foreman responds.
“Would you please pass it to me?”
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers
the verdict slip back and says, “Please read your verdict
to the court.”
“We fi nd the defendant not guilty of all four counts of
bank robbery.”
The family and friends of the defendant jump up and
down with joy at the sound of the not-guilty verdict and
hug each other as they show expressions of gratitude.
The defendant’s attorney turns to the client and asks,
“So what do you think about that?”
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a
bewildered look on his face and then turns to the defense
attorney and says,
“I’m really confused here. Does this mean that I have
to give all the money back?”
Traffic Camera
A man is driving along when he notices the flash of a
traffic camera.
He figures that his picture has been taken for exceeding
the speed limit, even though he knows he wasn’t speeding.
Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact
same spot driving even slower this time Again, the camera
flashes.
He knows it is hilarious since he was obviously doing nothing
wrong So he drives even slower as he passes through
the light for a third time. The traffic camera takes his
photo again
The final time he passes through the light, he is going
thirty miles under the speed limit
Two weeks later, he gets four tickets in the mail for
operating a car without a safety belt.
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 
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