OLD AGE
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Old Age
Old age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled
and bold they don’t recognize you.”
Idiots
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base,
the drill sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots, fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier
remained at attention The drill instructor walked over
until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single
eyebrow
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of them,
huh, sir?”
Scotsman
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a
car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the
car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a
bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
“Go on,” said the Scot, “have another drink.”
The Englishman drank gratefully. “But don’t you want
one, too?” he asked the Scotsman.
“Perhaps,” replied the Scotsman, “after the police
have gone.”
Walter
A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long
metal stick and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m German, but how did you know
my name was Walter?”
Q&A
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: It’s faster than walking!
Health Food
At my age, I don’t need health food. The more preservatives
I can get, the better.
lawyer
A priest dies and goes to heaven St Peter meets him
at the pearly gates and welcomes him to heaven
St. Peter says, “You’ve led a good life and served God
well. You will be rewarded here in heaven.”
St Peter shows him a new ranch house and says, “This
is your new home for eternity.”
Next he hands him keys and says, “These are for your
new Hyundai.”
The next person in line is a lawyer, and St Peter welcome
him to heaven and says, “John, here is your new home for
eternity and shows him a mansion.”
Next, St. Peter hands John the keys to a new BMW.
The priest objects, saying, “I’ve served you all my life.
Why this discrepancy?”
St. Peter said, “Well we have a lot of priests here in
heaven, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”
Diarrhea
Four out of five people suffer from diarrhea.
Which means one enjoys it?
married
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted
that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve
made one great discovery I know how to always have the
last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob. “How did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always, ‘Yes,
dear.’”
lunch
Wife: Had your lunch?
Husband: Had your lunch?
Wife: I am asking you?
Husband: I am asking you?
Wife: You copying me?
Husband: You copying me?
Wife: Let’s go shopping.
Husband: I had my lunch.
Suicidal Tendencies
A guy burst into a psychiatrist office. “Doc,” he says, “I
have suicidal tendencies. What should I do?”
“Pay me in advance.”
lover
John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca: He said, “Be
honest now, baby. How am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that
you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly. “Yes, in fact. I would say
that you’re the dictionary definition of the word warm.”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun,
checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Comedy Group
My girlfriend told me if I join one more comedy group
on the internet, she’s going to leave me. I’m really going
to miss her.
Number 2
A man finishes pumping gas and goes into the store to
pay A sign on the pump says, “Please tell cashier the pump
number, to pay.”
The men walks up to the counter and says to the clerk,
“Number two.”
The clerk hands the man a set of keys, motions to a
hallway next to the counter, and says, “The second door
on the left.”
Empty
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
$
Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A: They’re worth it.
Tombstone
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party,
and they decide to make a shortcut through the cemetery
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled
by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer
and chisel chipping away at one of the tombstones.
“Holy cow!” one says after catching his breath. “You
scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost.
What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools,” Jack grumbled, “they misspelled my name.”
Honeymoon
An old man and old woman got married and went on their
Honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the
first time, and the old woman said, “I should tell you I have
acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so. You sure don’t have
cute tits.”
left Work Early
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same
office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “Let’s go home early
tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
The next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with
the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and
returns at her normal time
“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it
again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught!”
Q&A
Q: I used to hate facial hair.
A: But it’s growing on me.
Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them.
Tuxedo
Brian passes away and his son, Logan, is arranging the
funeral.
Logan talks to the mortician about his father’s remains.
“We don’t have much money, but I want to the best for my
father. Please do what you can.”
A week later, the mortician presents Logan with the bill
for fifty dollars. Thinking it to be very reasonable, Logan
pays the bill. The next week, Logan gets another bill for
fifty dollars from the mortician. He also pays that. But a
week later a third bill arrives in the amount of fifty dollars.
Logan calls the mortician and says, “The funeral was three
weeks ago. Why am I still getting bills for fifty dollars?”
“You wanted the best for poor Brian,” the mortician
says. “So that tux was a rental.”
Wife
A man is standing at a grave, staring at the headstone A
second man walks up and asks, “Is this someone you knew?”
The first guy says, “Yes, it was my wife.”
The second guy says, “It must be hard to lose a wife.”
The first guys replies, “Yep, damn near impossible.
Q & A
Q: How do billboards talk?
A: Sign language.
Q: What do you call a duck that gets good grades?
A: A wise quacker.
Q: What kind of keys are sweet?
A: Cookies!
John Deere
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn
dancing naked around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing and says, “My wife has been ignoring
me lately, so I talked to my psychiatrist, and he said I
needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”
Fall
A man spends all night getting hammered at his local pub
After last call, the man stands up from his stool but
falls flat on his face, trying to walk.
He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar and
attempts to stand and falls to the sidewalk, flat on his face.
He drags himself to the car and drives home. He tries
to unlock the front door and finally gets it unlocked. But
falls on his face in the hallway at his home.
His wife is standing on the steps, waiting for her husband.
“You’ve been out drinking again, haven’t you?”
“What makes you think that?” the man asked while still
lying on the cold wooden floor.
“Because the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair, again.
Three-legged Dog
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I’m looking for the ‘dirty vomit’ that shot my paw.”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
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Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 
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