THREE LEGGED DOG
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I’m looking for the ‘dirty vomit’ that shot my paw.”
Earring
A man is at work one day when he notices that his
coworker is wearing an earring
The man knows his coworker to be a conservative guy,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into
earrings.”
The coworker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a
big deal out of this. It’s only an earring.”
The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been
wearing one?”
The coworker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in
my truck.”
Calculator
Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add ten and five on a
calculator?
A: She couldn’t find the “ten” button.
Collision Course
Looking out from the bridge on his ship, a sea captain
sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with
his ship
He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten
degrees east.”
The light signals back to the ship: “Change course ten
degrees west.”
Angrily, the captain sends a second signal stating, “I’m
a navy captain. Change your course, sir.”
“I’m a seaman second class” comes back the reply. “You
change your course, sir.”
The captain is now furious. “I’m a battleship,” he signals.
“I’m not changing course for anything.”
He receives one final call stating “Well! I’m a lighthouse,
so it’s your choice.”
Sand
What do you have when a hundred lawyers are buried
up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
In The Jungle
Kristen, a lost dog, strays into a jungle.
Audrey, a lion, sees this from a distance and says with
caution, “This dog looks edible. I’ve never seen her kind
before.” So Audrey starts menacingly rushing toward
Kristen, the dog
Kristen notices and starts to panic, but as she gets a
about to run, she sees some bones next to her and gets
an idea: She says loudly, “That was some good lion meat.”
Audrey abruptly stops and says, “Whoa! This dog seems
tougher than she looks. I’d better leave while I can.”
From a nearby tree top Ari, a monkey, witnesses everything.
Ari realizes that she can benefi t from this situation
by telling the lion and getting something in return So she
proceeds to tell Audrey what really happened
Audrey says angrily, “Get on my back We will get her
together.” They start rushing back to the dog.
But Kristen sees them and realizes what has happened
and starts to panic even more
She then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the
hell is that monkey? I told her to bring me another lion
an hour ago.”
Toilet Paper
A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any
toilet paper
He calls over to the man in the next stall “Hey! You got
any extra toilet paper in there?”
‘No,” replies the man.
“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded
man asks
“Nope,” the second man replies.
After a moment of silence, the fi rst man asks the second.
“Do you have ten ones for a ten-dollar bill?”
Suspended
There are eleven people hanging onto a rope that comes
down from an airplane. Ten of them are blondes, and one
is a brunette They all decide that one person should get
off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone
will die
No one can decide who should go, so fi nally the brunette
delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words,
“I’ll get off.”
The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start
clapping Problem solved.
Better Offer
The groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise
to love, honor, and obey and be faithful to her forever, I’d
appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfi
ed. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for
the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye
and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before
her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast
in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even
look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice,
“Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought
we had a deal.”
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and
whispers, “She made me a better offer.”
Start
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring
me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another
beer. It’s going to start.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him
a beer When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer
before it starts.”
“That’s it!” She blew her top. “You bastard! You waltz
in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me,
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t
you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all
day long?”
The husband sighed. “Oh shit, it started!”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
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Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 
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