Miss. Right
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
I married Miss Right?
I just didn’t know that her first name was Always.
Fruit
Q: If you have thirteen apples in one hand and ten
oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
Bridge
Two priests are standing by the side of the rode holding
a sign that reads: “The end is near. Turn yourself around
now before it’s too late.”
They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver,
as he speeds by
From around the curve, the priests hear screeching
tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” one of the priests says to the other,
“that it would be better to shorten the sign to Bridge Out
instead?”
Anal Glaucoma
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick.
Boss: Oh yeah! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my ass working today.
Name
Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris,
the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing
terms, calling her honey, my love, darling, sweetheart,
pumpkin, and so on.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That’s really
nice that after all these years that you have been married,
you keep calling your wife those pet names.”
Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell you the
truth, I forgot her name three years ago!”
Cheerios
What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios
box? “Omg, donut seeds!”
Pen
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a
prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer “Oh, damn
it,” he proclaims, “Some asshole has my pen!”
Q&A
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese.
Q: What does it sound like to become a 747.
A: Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he never lands.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A: A stick.
Contractor
An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed
she was raped When asked what the guy looked like, she
said she didn’t know, only that he was a contractor. When
asked how she knew that, she yelled, “All he could say was,
‘I’m coming! I’m coming!’ and he never finished the job.”
Jail
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband
is not in their bed
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for
him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup
of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from
his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into
the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember twenty years
ago when we were dating, and you were only seventeen?”
He asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the
backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him The husband continues, “Do you remember
when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty
years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would
have gotten out today!”
Nagging Wife
A farmer had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the
fi eld plowing. One day, the farmer’s wife brought his lunch out
to him Then she stayed while he quickly ate, and she berated
him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, the farmer’s old mule kicked up his back legs,
striking the wife in the head and killing her instantly.
At the wake, the farmer’s minister noticed that when
the women offered their sympathy to Jake, he would nod
his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke
quietly to him, he would shake his head, from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left,
the minister approached the farmer and asked why.
“Well,” he replied, “the women always said how nice she
looked and her dress was so pretty And so I agreed, by
nodding my head up and down.”
“The men all asked, ‘’Is that mule for sale?’”
Q&A
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
Pool
A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes
that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls
home so that his wife can retrieve them.
The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is
busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone.
The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the
Gardener.
The man goes nuts and offers the maid one million dollars
to shoot them both The maid agrees, and he soon hears
two gunshots.
The maid returns to the phone, and he asks her what
happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the
gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool.
The man says, “Pool? Is this 555-4320?”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 
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