CANNIBALS
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Two cannibals were eating a clown One said to the other,
“Does this taste funny to you?”
Preparation
“May I take your order?” the blonde waitress asked.
“Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special sir,” she replied. “We just tell them
straight out that they’re going to die.”
Where Are You?
A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fi re so she called
911. The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house
is on fi re!”
The operator asked, “Where are you?”
The blonde answered, “At my house.”
The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get
there?”
The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”
Q&A
Q: Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
A: For tweeting on a test!
Q: What social event do spiders love to attend?
A: Webbings.
Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: Dill with it.
Florida
Melvin called his mother in Florida: “Mom, how are you?”
he asked
“Not too good,” she said. “I’ve been very weak.
The son said, “Why are you weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in thirty-six days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten
in thirty-six days?”
The mother answered, “I didn’t want my mouth to be
filled with food when you called.”
Winter
The young man heard that his father, grandfather
and great grandfather had all walked on water on their
twenty-first birthday.
So on his twenty-first birthday, the boy and his big
brother headed out to the lake. “If they did it, I could do
it,” he insisted.
When the boy and his brother arrived at the lake, they
rented a canoe and began paddling When they got to the
middle of the lake. The boy stepped off the side of the
boat and nearly drowned
Furious and embarrassed, he and his brother headed for
home When the boy arrived back at the house, he asked
his grandmother for an explanation.
She looked into his eyes and explained. That’s because
your father, grandfather and great grandfather were all
born in January. You were born in July.
musical Cord
A musical chord walked into a bar, wanting a drink
The bartender looks at the cord and says, “I’m sorry I
can’t serve you. You’re A minor.”
Q & A
Q: Why is a football stadium always cold?
A: It has lots of fans!
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: I’ve got so many problems.”
Condom
A blonde, brunette, and redhead were smoking cigarettes
one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, the redhead had
Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.
It began to pour down raining, so the redhead and
brunette both pull out condoms and put them on their
cigarettes. The blonde asked, “What are you doing?” and
they replied, “We’re saving it for later.”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde went to the nearest
store and asks for a condom. The clerk said, “What
size: small, medium, or large?”
She answers, “I don’t know, one to fit a Camel?”
Heaven
One day, three men died and went to heaven. “Religion?”
God’s secretary asked the first man.
“Jewish,” the man replied.
“Okay, go to room twenty-three, but be very quiet when
you go past room eight,” the secretary said.
“Religion?” he asked the second man.
“Muslim.”
“Go to room ten, but be very quiet when you go past
room eight.”
“Religion?” he asked the third man.
“Agnostic.”
“Go to room seventy-one, but be very quiet when you go
past room eight.”
“Why must I be quiet when I go past room eight?” the
man asked
The secretary replied, “Oh, the Catholics are in room
eight, and they think that they’re the only ones here.”
Tracks
Three blond girls were walking in the woods and came
upon tracks
The first one said, “Look, it’s deer tracks.”
The second one said, “No, it’s wolf tracks”
And before the third one could answer, they got hit by
a train.
Coco Pops
A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are in their
bedroom
“You know what?” says the seven-year-old. “I think it’s
time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you.”
“Okay,” replies the four-year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the seven-year old
what he wants for breakfast, he answers, “I’ll have
Coco Pops, bitch.”
Whack! He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes
out. The mother looks at the four-year-old and sternly
asks, “And what do you want?”
“I don’t know,” he replies. “But it sure won’t be Coco Pops.”
Carrot
One day, two carrots were walking down the street
A car came speeding around the corner and ran one of
them over The uninjured carrot cradled his buddy, telling
him over and over it would be OK.
Finally, the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured
carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him. Once
at the hospital, the uninjured carrot paced back and forth
in the emergency room, waiting to hear his pal was going
to be all right
The doctor came out He walked over to the distraught
carrot and said, “I have good news, and I have bad news
“The good news is that your friend is going to be all right.
“The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable for
NEW JOKE BOOK
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Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 
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