SKYDIVING
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Skydiving
The skydiving student is being instructed on how to
open the shoot.
“You counted to ten out loud,” the instructor says. “And
then pulled the ripcord.”
The student asks, “Wwwhaaat is theeeee cccccount
again?”
The instructor says, “Two.”
Mating Call
What is the mating call of a blonde? I’m so drunk.
What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that blonde
gone yet?
What is the mating call of a redhead? Next!
Dana
“I hope you don’t take it personally, Reverend,” an
embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when
my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather distracting,” the preacher replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” the churchgoer said.
“Dana has been walking in his sleep, since he was just a
child.”
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human, because even though it was a very
large mammal, its throat was very small
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human. It was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah goes to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”
Accident
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was
involved in a fatal car accident The couple found themselves
sitting outside the pearly gates waiting for St. Peter to
process them into heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get
married in heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out,’” and he left.
The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months
passed, and the couple were still waiting. While waiting,
they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work
out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in
heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering,
what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce
in heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard
onto the ground
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“Oh, come on!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how
long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
Michelle
A guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
“What are you supposed to be?” asks the host.
“I’m a snail,” says the guy.
“But you have a girl on your back,” replies the host.
“Yeah,” he says. “That’s Michelle.”
Buying A TV
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if
she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her
and says that he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair to
a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV
this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t
serve blondes
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you
know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not
a TV. It’s a microwave!”
Painting
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a
wealthy neighborhood She went to the front door of the
first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do?
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about fifty dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders
that she might need were in the garage
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch
goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the
porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect
her money
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the fi fty
dollars
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch,
it’s a Ferrari.”
magic mirror
A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a
magic mirror If you lie to the mirror, you die
The redhead says, “I look fat,” and dies.
The brunette says, “I look skinny,” and dies.
The blonde says, “I think—” and dies.
Gift
After traveling on a business trip, a man thinks it would
be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift
“How about some perfume,” he asks the cosmetics clerk.
She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” he says.
So, she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars
“That’s still quite a bit,” he complains.
Growing annoyed the clerk brings him a $15 bottle
“What I mean,” said the man, “is I’d like to see something
really cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Peanuts
Clyde is out with his friends
There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and Clyde
and his friends start snacking on them
Before they leave, his friends say, “Nice to meet you,
ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts.”
“You’re welcome,” the grandmother says. “Ever since I
lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off
of them.”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
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Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 
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