Pe'Pa's Best Jokes

I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.

THE CONFESSION

99 cents for ALL “Pe’Pa’s” JOKE BOOKS

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.

Man: “I am eighty-two years old, have a wonderful wife of sixty years, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.

We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them.

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?.”

Man: “I’m eighty-two years old—I’m telling everybody!.”

Three Nickols

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A woman looks up, gets up from her seat, and makes her way to the boy. The woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. ‘Divorce attorney. I always get the last nickel.”

Convict

A gal walked into her favorite bar in Florida. After a few minutes, a handsome guy came in and sat next to her.

She said, “I haven’t seen you here before. Is this your first visit?”

The man said, “No, but I haven’t been back in twenty years.”

She said, “Twenty years? Why so long?”

He said, “Well, I’ve been in prison.”

“Prison,” she said. “Do you mind telling me why?”

The guy said, “Well I’m not proud of it, but I killed my wife.”

The gal said with a smile, “Oh, so you’re single.”

Rocking Chair

A woman is walking down the street and sees an old-timer on a porch in a rocking chair rocking back and forth with a huge smile on his face.

She stops and says, “Sir, would you mind telling me the secret to your longevity and your happiness?”

He says, “Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I drink a case of whiskey every week. I eat all the fatty foods that I want, and I never exercise.”

“That’s remarkable,” she says. “If you don’t mind me asking, sir, how old are you?”

He proudly replied, “I’m twenty-seven.”

Pe’Pa is having a 99 cent SALE to promote ALL of his “Pe’Pa’s Beast Jokes” to receive some 5 Star Reviews.

Go to Amazon.com. Click on the book cover. Select the Kindle version and buy. Scroll to the bottom of the page and write a review for me.

THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE:

Reviews convince browsers to buy.
It will move up the rankings and get promoted under “Books You Might Also Like”.
It will show that activity is taking place.

Consider buying a paperback copy for yourself.

Buy a paperback copy of all four of my books to place on your coffee table to entertain your guests.

I have temporally reduced the Kindle price on ALL joke books from $6.00 to 99 cents as a “Review” incentive.

Please also review Volumes 1, 2, 3,& 4.