Pe'Pa's Best Jokes

I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Rhode Island?

99 cents for ALL “Pe’Pa’s” JOKE BOOKS

Born

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Rhode Island?
A: God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Explorer

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb, there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”

The explorer says, “That’s got to be my ex-wife. Why?”

“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”

“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”

“Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”

“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”

“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

Move

Q: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?
A: Nah, mastay.

Betty

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?”

Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”

The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A plumber?”

Two days later, a light bulb went out, and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”

His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, and the light bulb is changed.

Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”

The wife replies, “You know our new next-door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”

The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?”

“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”

Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”

The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?”

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Pe’Pa is having a 99 ₵ SALE to promote ALL of his “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” to receive some 5 Star Reviews.

DAY 1 – Go to Amazon.com and buy the Kindle version of each of my joke books – so that a “Purchase Verified” Review can be posted the next day.

DAY 2 – Go back to Amazon, click on the book cover, scroll way down to the bottom of the page to “Product details”. Click on the “# ratings” (next to the stars). You will see all of my reviews. Post your review. (Use your first name and initial of last name, so I will know it is you.) Do this for all 4 books.

THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE:

Reviews convince browsers to buy.
It will move up the rankings and get promoted under “Books You Might Also Like”.
It will show that activity is taking place.

Consider buying a paperback copy for yourself.

Buy a paperback copy of all four of my books to place on your coffee table to entertain your guests.

I have temporally reduced the Kindle price on ALL joke books from $6.00 to 99 cents as a “Review” incentive.

Please also review Volumes 1, 2, 3, & 4.