Pe'Pa's Best Jokes

I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.

Tulip & Windmills River Barge Cruse – Itinerary

In the spring of 2024 Jack went on a river-barge cruise to see the tulips in the Netherlands.

Saturday March 16,2024

11:25 am Depart PBI – Vergin Atlantic (Delta) Flight 3292

2:12 pm Arrive JFK (New York Kennedy, NY)

5:35 pm Depart JFK – Vergin Atlantic (Delta) Flight 3928

Sunday March 17th

5:55 am Arrive AMS (Amsterdam, Netherlands)

(Travel Time 12 h 30M)

Drop of luggage at hotel

DoubleTree by Hilton Amsterdam Centraal,      Osterdoksstreat 4 (Next to barge dock)

Booked a Food Tour – “Amsterdam’s Jordaan Cozy Food Tour with Eating Europe” – 3 hours – Starting at 11:30 am.

I got to a pub starting point by taxi at 11:00 am. The pub was not open, but the bartender sat outside with me and even brought me a free “Hot Chocolate”. At 11:30 no one from the tour showed-up. A barmaid told me that sometimes a tour started at a bar a block sway. She called and they were waiting for me. There were 18 on the tour that visited 8 pubs/restaurants for tastings and a walking tour of various sections of Amsterdam.

I returned to my hotel and checked in. I took a nap & didn’t wake up until after 10 pm. I was able to get a room service pizza.

Monday March 18th  Day 1 Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Transfer to your ship

My stateroom on the barge was not going to be ready until 3:00 pm. So, I hung out at the hotel and had breakfast & lunch.

The taxi was able to take me right up to the gang plank of the ship: “Viking Long Ship Ve”. I was surprised that there was no one else ready to board. A lady who looked like an airline stewardess said: “You must be Mr. Gaskell” and welcomed me aboard and escorted me to my stateroom. All the other passengers were already aboard – Some had arrived in time for breakfast.

My stateroom was on the lowest level. It was similar to other cruse guest rooms except I was disappointed that the windows were high-up and reminded me of a basement apartment. I guess that I will have to view the sights from a public lounge.

There was a get-together in the lounge at 5.00 pm, a muster drill at 6:00 pm, and dinner in the restaurant at 7:00 pm. Seating is open. I sat at a table with two couples who previously didn’t know each other. The were all nice and had the grace to laugh at my jokes.

Tuesday March 19th   Day 2 Amsterdam, The Netherlands


After breakfast, embark on a canal tour by glass-topped boat to see architecture from the city’s Golden Age. Return on board for lunch, then take free time to visit the Van Gogh Museum or the renovated Rijksmuseum with its marvelous collection of Dutch Master paintings, or just explore the city’s charming neighborhoods. Alternatively, visit a Delftware factory this afternoon to see how the famed porcelain is made. As always, your Viking Guest Services representative can help you plan your stay. Dine on board or on shore; your ship remains docked in Amsterdam overnight. (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner)

I got up at 7:00 and had breakfast on the “Aquavit Terrace” enclosed on the top deck, forward. At 8:45 I left on the Canal cruise. It started with a one mile walk with a steep set of stairs with only partial railings, before boarding the canal boat. I skipped the tour and returned to the ship.

Lunch was served at noon. I sat with four people from Oklahoma. A father, two daughters, and a husband of one of the daughters. All were very nice.

At 7:00 I went to the lounge to listen to piano music. I sat with a couple of retired cops (husband & wife) from the mid-west. They invited me to join them for dinner along with another couple. We had a pleasant evening.

The ship departed for “Horn” at 1 am.




Wednesday March 20th Day 3 Hoorn, The Netherlands
Early this morning, sail across the IJsselmeer (once known as the Zuiderzee) to the ancient shipping village of Hoorn. After breakfast, enjoy a guided walk through Hoorn’s cobblestone streets; see age-old cheese warehouses on the town’s main square, which dates back to Holland’s Golden Age. Lunch is served on board; you have a free afternoon to explore Hoorn, visit a local bakery and shop for souvenirs. Or, take an optional excursion into the countryside to a tulip farm and see how windmills have changed over the years. Depart during dinner and cruise through the night. (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner)


I had breakfast in the restaurant at 8:00 am.

At 9:00 I took the shore excursion “Enkhuizen by foot” with the Leisurely (Slow) group. I was assured that this trip would be slower with many opportunities to sit. Wrong! The trip started with the group standing on the dock with no seats or anything to lean on. I skipped the excursion & returned to the ship.

I spent the morning reading. At noon they had a special lunch featuring great local foods. I skipped the cod & the salmon. I sat with a couple from DC. He was formerly from Riverside, RI. They were pleasant company.

After lunch, I went ashore on my own. I had to walk about ½ mile before I could find a place to sit next to a small gift shop. I bought Willow & Olivia tulip hats (I hope that they fit).

Before dinner, I enjoyed the piano music at the lounge.



Thursday March 21st Jack’s Birthday Day 4 Arnhem, The Netherlands
We arrive early today in Arnhem, a relaxed city bursting with inviting green parks and gardens. Still more famous than its much-admired green spaces is Arnhem’s wartime history. Join us on an included excursion to delve into the city’s role in Operation Market Garden, an ill-fated Allied World War II operation. Witness a battle reenactment during your visit to the Airborne Museum, and pay your respects at the Airborne Cemetery. Also available today is an optional excursion to an open air museum where 80 historic structures, from a drawbridge to a working paper mill, are preserved. Here you can enjoy a tram ride through 200 years of traditional Dutch country life, and perhaps even try a hands-on experience of a traditional trade. Dine on board or on shore; your ship remains docked in Arnhem overnight. (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner)

I went on the Operation Marketed Garden tour in the morning. It was a bus tour to view the areas involved in the liberation of occupied Netherlands in WW 2.

The mission of the operation was to secure a series of bridges to invade Germany more easily and more quickly end the war. The Americans secured the main bridge but were later surrounded and forced to surrender/evacuate. Market-Garden was the subject of the movie “A bridge too far”.

At 5:00 pm there was live piano music in the lounge.

At 6:00 pm there was an Enrichment lecture regarding WW 2.

Dinner was at 7:15 pm. After dinner the head waiter asked me privately if I would like a birthday cake and the waiters to sing. I opted for just the cake which I shared with my table mates.

At 9:00 pm I went across the street from our boat to the “Holland Casino”. The gal who signed me in checked my passport and said Happy 82nd Birthday. She handed me a birthday gift of chocolates. (I thought I was 83 – so I just got a year younger.) I played blackjack for 3 hours and won 2,000 euro – Happy Birthday Jack.


 
Friday March 22nd Day 5 Kinderdijk, The Netherlands
Arrive this afternoon in Kinderdijk and disembark for a tour of this ingenious 18th-century community. Learn why the windmills were built and see how they work to help control flooding, then tour a working windmill to see its pumping mechanism and living quarters at this UNESCO World Heritage Site. You can also take an optional excursion to explore The Netherlands’ renowned cheeses and windmills, or cycle past Kinderdijk’s 19 historic windmills. In late afternoon, we set sail toward Antwerp.


 I started the day by walking the track on the upper deck. The day was beautiful but cold & very windy. I did 6 times around (~1/2 mile). I had a light breakfast on the Aquavit Terrace.

At 4:00 pm I attended a “Duch Waffle cooking demonstration.

6:30 pm Paino music.

7:15 pm dinner.

9:00 pm Piano music.

Saturday March 23rd Day 6 Antwerp, Belgium
This morning, enjoy a half-day tour of Antwerp featuring the Cathedral of Our Lady with its three monumental altarpieces painted by Peter Paul Rubens; the Grote Markt (Grand Square) surrounded by the Golden Age Town Hall and guild halls; and Het Steen (Steen Castle), Antwerp’s oldest building. You can take an optional excursion to satisfy your taste buds with some of Antwerp’s traditional specialties, or explore the major sights of Brussels. You have free time to explore at your leisure this afternoon before dining on board your ship tonight as we sail for Ghent. (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner)

At 9:00 am the Antwerp, Belgium Walking Tour.

As the tour was starting it was beginning to sprinkle rain. But I had brought my sling pack with my rain coat. The zipper on my hoody had failed so the raincoat kept me warm.

The city is beautiful with grand churches, ornamental buildings, and many fountains & statues.

I soon discovered three problems:

  • My phone stopped – No pictures (I forgot to charge it).
  • I left my wallet on board – No gifts or snacks.
  • My intercom wasn’t working – I couldn’t hear the tour guide.

I walked back to the boat on my own.

After lunch I visited the city by myself.

I was able to visit gift shops and bought my two little cover girls each a lovely white pullover with a hood. Willow is 5 and Oliva is 3 but they are both about the same size.

I found a café and sat next to a heater and had a hot – chocolate.

5:30 The lecture om board was “Life in Belgium today”.

Dinner was at 7:00 pm. I sat with two couples. One couple that I had previously met from Texas and a new couple from the mid-West.

Later I listened to Alessandro’s piano music while I sat at the bar with the four cops. I sat next to the one with the beard who told me he met his wife while he was undercover with a motorcycle gang for over a year.

 
 
Sunday March 24rd   Day 7 Ghent & Bruges, Belgium
From Ghent, travel to Bruges, one of the oldest towns in Flanders. Your city walk takes you through its cultural and artistic center, home to important Flemish painters such as Eyck and Memling. Also see the Béguinage, a hidden courtyard inhabited by nuns, and the town’s scenic network of canals. Stay in Bruges for lunch on your own, or return to Ghent for lunch on board and an afternoon exploring this exceptionally charming, canal-filled capital of East Flanders. Enjoy a beautifully lit evening departure from Ghent as we cruise through the night. (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner)

The morning tour that I booked got changed to an afternoon tour. I slept late and the dining room breakfast was closed so I had a light breakfast on the “Aquavit Terrace”.

Later, I walked towards the “Middelburg Center”. The houses were mostly modern with many small cannels with boats of all description. I had a hard time finding the roads that had bridges. I never found the city center, but I was able to find my way back to the boat.

During lunch, the boat cast off for “Veere”.

While waiting for my excursion I sat across from a beautiful woman. She was traveling with several other people. She said, “After 2 days her husband left”. I asked, “Two days after they got married? – or two days after the start of the trip? She laughed and said, “the trip”! (I never got the story.)

At 2:00 pm I joined the shore excursion “Historic Veere on foot”.

I don’t know why, but the boats park next to each other – not one behind the other. So, to leave our boat we go to the third level, climb a set of stairs, cross over the top deck of the adjacent boat, climb down the stairs of the adjacent boat and use their gangplank to go ashore.

After about 20 minutes we reached the town. It is picturesque with lovely gardens. I am unsteady on my feet, so to take a picture I need to sit or lean on something. Therefor I was unable to take pictures of some of the lovely gardens.

On the way back, I leaned on a small building to get change out of my wallet for a tip for the tour guide. I removed 3 – 5-euro notes. One blew away – too bad.

At 5:00 pm I went to the lounge for piano music.

Dinner was at 6:45 pm.

At 8:45 pm “La Strata” three local string players came on board for a live performance of mostly classical music. They were wonderful.


 
Monday March 25th Day 8 Delta Works,  Zeeland, The Netherlands
After breakfast travel to the region of Walcheren, formerly an island of the southwest Netherlands. Stop in Veere and enjoy a walking tour of this engaging, time-honored town. From here, travel to the Delta Works, the ingenious system of enormous doors that can be lowered during spring tides to protect the area from floods while allowing the tides to ebb and flow. Or you may choose to visit a local oyster farm, where you can shuck and try oysters. Rejoin your ship for lunch. Enjoy an afternoon of scenic sailing along the Dutch waterways as you cruise toward Amsterdam. (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner)


 After breakfast we went on a bus shore excursion to the “Delta Water Works”.

We started out at a museum where we learned about the 1953 flood that killed over 2,100 residents of Zeeland. An unexpected storm hit at night creating a ½ mile long hole in the dyke. This storm did damage as far away as England. People took refuge on their roofs, but as the water rose many of the houses collapsed drowning the residents.

Eventually they filled the gap by floating long concrete boxes from England and sinking them. These boxes were left over from WW 2 Where they were used for piers. Interestingly the museum was housed in 2 of the same concrete bokes.

Later we visited the “delta Water Works” which was a big disappointment. Basically, this project was used to create new dry lands from flooded areas. After the bus stopped in a parking area, we walked up a very rocky and dangerous slope to the road. Then the group climbed up a sloped blacktop dyke. I couldn’t climb so I sat with an old lady on the base of a nearby road sign. The group stood on the dyke for 45 minutes with no place to sit and not even something to lean on. Also, the guide didn’t use the intercom so I couldn’t hear the lecture.

Later I visited the “Bridge” where the captain maneuvers the boat. The bridge is on an elevator to allow t to lower to pass under bridges when the water is high. The captain looks younger than I expected. I watched him maneuver through a lock.

After dinner we played “The top answer is….” Which everyone seemed to enjoy.



Tuesday March 26th  Day 9 Kukenhof Gardens & Amsterdam, The Netherlands
After breakfast, visit the picturesque Keukenhof Gardens, the world’s largest floral park. Admire the stunning beauty at both indoor and outdoor exhibits of millions of vibrant blooms including tulips, hyacinths, crocuses and daffodils. You may choose the option of spending a full day at the gardens, with lunch on your own, or heading to explore historic Haarlem. Alternatively, return on board for lunch, then use the rest of the day to discover Amsterdam’s hidden treasures. You may choose to explore Museum Square, take a bike ride or shop for colorful clogs and tulip bulbs. Enjoy dinner on board your ship, followed by free time to enjoy Amsterdam’s nightlife. Your ship remains docked overnight. (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner)

After breakfast we visited “Kukenhof Gardens”, the world’s largest floral gardens. The gardens are many acres, but in front there are smaller examples. I photographed the examples and sat with hot chocolate and Dutch apple pie and read.

Notice instead of arrows – flowers

Lunch was as soon as we returned.

At 5:00 pm I returned to the lounge to hear Alessandro play the piano.

Dinner was served at 7:00 pm.

After dinner I packed and put my luggage in the hall.


Wednesday March 27 Day 10 Amsterdam, The Netherlands
After breakfast, disembark and proceed to the airport for your return flight.

I set my alarm for 8:00 am.

Breakfast was in the dining room.

10:00 am Disembarked and with my luggage took a taxi to the airport.

12:50 pm Depart AMS Vergin Atlantic (Delta) 3960

5:55 pm Arrive ATL (Atlanta Hartsfield Jackson, Georga)

When I got inside the terminal, my wheelchair assistant said: “We have to go to the carousel to transfer your luggage”. I said no, my bag was checked through to PBI. He said you usually need to transfer it yourself. I thought of telling him to take me directly to my gate. But we were early, so I let him take me to the carousel and he was right, my bag was waiting for me. (Big tip.)

7:50 pm Depart ATL – Vergin Atlantic (Delta) 5217

9: 37 pm Arrive PBI. (Late 11:45 pm.)

I have been on a lot of cruises, but this was my first “River” cruise. And “Viking. was great. My best cruise ever.

johndgaskell

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