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EPIPHANY
(EPIPHANY)
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Epiphany
A woman starts to wake up after an operation. Still half
under the anesthesia, she has an epiphany and sees God
She asks, “Did I die?”
God says, “Oh no, you have another thirty years to live.”
She thinks, In that case, while I’m here in the hospital
anyway, I should have a some work done So she has a
tummy tuck, a boob job, and a face-lift.
As she’s leaving the hospital—bam!—she gets hit by an
ambulance and ends up in heaven
She asks God, “What happened?”
God shrugs his shoulders and says, “I didn’t recognize
you.”
knock
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a
“no-bell” prize.
Nose/Feet
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
Google
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence
before making a suggestion.
lottery
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the
lottery?”
His wife says, “Take half and leave your ass!”
The man replies, “Great! I won twelve bucks. Here’s six.
Now get out!”
Beautiful
Johnny’s teacher told the class to say a sentence using
the word beautiful twice.
A girl sitting next to Johnny said, “My mother put on a
beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.”
The teacher said, “Very good.”
Johnny raised his hand and said, “Last night at the dinner
table, my sister told my father she was pregnant and
he said, ‘Beautiful, really beautiful!’”
IQ
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of sixty?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football
game!
Teacher
A teacher asks a student, “Are you ignorant or just
apathetic?”
The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
School
It was the first day of school. Harry’s mother went into
his bedroom and said, “Come on, Harry, get up now You
have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry. “I want
to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
Fishing
One fi ne day, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to
all go fi shing. They manage to get to the water, and off
they go
One hour later, the minister says, “I think I forgot the
food!” He steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets
the picnic basket, and walks back!
Then, the rabbi says, “Oy vey! I forgot the drinks.” He
steps right off the boat and walks across the water to
get the drinks
By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses
himself, and as he steps out of the boat, he falls in the water
and drowns
The minister turns to the rabbi and says, “You think we
should have told him about the rocks?”
Golfing
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office, and
they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s
activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8:00
pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
and dirt
Confused, she nonetheless complied, and he slipped into
his shoes and drove home
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he
entered the house
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been
having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed
and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Post Address: https://pepasbestjokes.com/2023/01/10/epiphany/
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EPIPHANY
EPIPHANY
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Epiphany
A woman starts to wake up after an operation. Still half
under the anesthesia, she has an epiphany and sees God
She asks, “Did I die?”
God says, “Oh no, you have another thirty years to live.”
She thinks, In that case, while I’m here in the hospital
anyway, I should have a some work done So she has a
tummy tuck, a boob job, and a face-lift.
As she’s leaving the hospital—bam!—she gets hit by an
ambulance and ends up in heaven
She asks God, “What happened?”
God shrugs his shoulders and says, “I didn’t recognize
you.”
knock
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a
“no-bell” prize.
Nose/Feet
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
Google
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence
before making a suggestion.
lottery
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the
lottery?”
His wife says, “Take half and leave your ass!”
The man replies, “Great! I won twelve bucks. Here’s six.
Now get out!”
Beautiful
Johnny’s teacher told the class to say a sentence using
the word beautiful twice.
A girl sitting next to Johnny said, “My mother put on a
beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.”
The teacher said, “Very good.”
Johnny raised his hand and said, “Last night at the dinner
table, my sister told my father she was pregnant and
he said, ‘Beautiful, really beautiful!’”
IQ
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of sixty?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football
game!
Teacher
A teacher asks a student, “Are you ignorant or just
apathetic?”
The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
School
It was the first day of school. Harry’s mother went into
his bedroom and said, “Come on, Harry, get up now You
have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry. “I want
to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
Fishing
One fi ne day, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to
all go fi shing. They manage to get to the water, and off
they go
One hour later, the minister says, “I think I forgot the
food!” He steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets
the picnic basket, and walks back!
Then, the rabbi says, “Oy vey! I forgot the drinks.” He
steps right off the boat and walks across the water to
get the drinks
By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses
himself, and as he steps out of the boat, he falls in the water
and drowns
The minister turns to the rabbi and says, “You think we
should have told him about the rocks?”
Golfing
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office, and
they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s
activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8:00
pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
and dirt
Confused, she nonetheless complied, and he slipped into
his shoes and drove home
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he
entered the house
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been
having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed
and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
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BEST LAST KISS
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Best Last Kiss
A group of bikers were riding along when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stopped.
Their leader, Spike, got off his Harley and said, ”Hey, baby, what are you doing up there on that railing?”
She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!”
Spike asked, “Well, before you jump, honey babe…why don’t you have your best last kiss?”
So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Spike got a big thumbs-up approval from his biker buddies, the onlookers, and even the state trooper.
Spike said, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, sugar shorts. You could be famous, if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents so upset when I dress-up like a girl.”It’s still unclear whether he/she jumped or was pushed.
Bad Day
Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She can’t find her pencil, and her tampon is behind her ear.Mice
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
The Father Mouse jumped up and said, “Bowwow!”
The cat ran away.
“What was that, Father?” asked the Baby Mouse.
“Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
Q&A
Q. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A. Ten tickles.
Q. What happened when the cheese factory exploded?
A. Da brie was everywhere.
Q. What has ears but cannot hear?
A. A cornfield.
Q. What’s a cat’s favorite dessert?
A. A bowl full of mice-cream.
Message Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and rolled around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a massage therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great. But I still think my thumb’s still broken!”
Q&A
Q. Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
A. Decent food, but no atmosphere.
Q. What is the chiropractor’s favorite music?
A. Hip-pop.
Rose
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
“What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.”“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man.
He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Q&A
Q. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A. It was “two-tired.”
Q. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach?
A. Freeze. You’re under a vest.
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
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Remembering Jokes
I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh.
People often ask, “How do you remember so many jokes?”
Remembering Jokes
I carry a pen and paper with me most of the time. When I hear a joke that I like, I write down a few words to remind me of it. Later, I add it to my joke-of-the-day list. At the same time, I try to improve upon it by deleting extraneous information and adding new information to make the joke clearer and funnier. For example, I think that Clyde is a funnier name than John.
Here are some examples of my favorite jokes:
Seventy Bucks Is Seventy Bucks
A couple went to a country fair. At the fair, they were offering helicopter rides for seventy dollars.
The man said to his wife, “I’ve always wanted to go up in a helicopter.”
The wife said, “Seventy bucks is seventy bucks.”
So they went back to the same fair the next year, and the guy said to his wife, “I’m eighty this year. I might not get another chance to go up in a helicopter.”
The wife again said, “Seventy bucks is seventy bucks.”
The helicopter pilot overheard the conversation and said “I’ll make a deal with you. You both go up with me. If nobody says a word, it’s free. If either one of you speaks up, it’s seventy bucks.”
So they went up. The pilot did all kinds of tricks and finally landed, and he said, “I can’t believe that nobody said anything.”
The guy said, “I almost spoke up when my wife fell out, but seventy bucks is seventy bucks.”
Three Wise Men
The three wise men went to Bethlehem to visit Joseph and Mary in the stable and to see their newborn son. The extremely tall wise man hit his head on the door frame as he entered and exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!”
Joseph looked at Mary and said, “Write that down. I might like that much better than Clyde.
Doctors Never Laugh
A man went to the doctor and said, “I have a problem, but I am afraid that if I tell you, you’re going to laugh.”
The doctor replied, ”Of course, I won’t laugh. I’m a doctor. In over twenty years, I have never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” the patient said and dropped his trousers, revealing the tiniest hoo-ha the doctor had ever seen. It couldn’t have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. The doctor apologized profusely and said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes
I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 