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MISS. RIGHT
Miss. Right
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
I married Miss Right?
I just didn’t know that her first name was Always.
Fruit
Q: If you have thirteen apples in one hand and ten
oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
Bridge
Two priests are standing by the side of the rode holding
a sign that reads: “The end is near. Turn yourself around
now before it’s too late.”
They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver,
as he speeds by
From around the curve, the priests hear screeching
tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” one of the priests says to the other,
“that it would be better to shorten the sign to Bridge Out
instead?”
Anal Glaucoma
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick.
Boss: Oh yeah! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my ass working today.
Name
Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris,
the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing
terms, calling her honey, my love, darling, sweetheart,
pumpkin, and so on.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That’s really
nice that after all these years that you have been married,
you keep calling your wife those pet names.”
Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell you the
truth, I forgot her name three years ago!”
Cheerios
What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios
box? “Omg, donut seeds!”
Pen
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a
prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer “Oh, damn
it,” he proclaims, “Some asshole has my pen!”
Q&A
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese.
Q: What does it sound like to become a 747.
A: Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he never lands.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A: A stick.
Contractor
An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed
she was raped When asked what the guy looked like, she
said she didn’t know, only that he was a contractor. When
asked how she knew that, she yelled, “All he could say was,
‘I’m coming! I’m coming!’ and he never finished the job.”
Jail
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband
is not in their bed
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for
him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup
of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from
his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into
the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember twenty years
ago when we were dating, and you were only seventeen?”
He asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the
backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a
chair beside him The husband continues, “Do you remember
when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty
years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would
have gotten out today!”
Nagging Wife
A farmer had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the
fi eld plowing. One day, the farmer’s wife brought his lunch out
to him Then she stayed while he quickly ate, and she berated
him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, the farmer’s old mule kicked up his back legs,
striking the wife in the head and killing her instantly.
At the wake, the farmer’s minister noticed that when
the women offered their sympathy to Jake, he would nod
his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke
quietly to him, he would shake his head, from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left,
the minister approached the farmer and asked why.
“Well,” he replied, “the women always said how nice she
looked and her dress was so pretty And so I agreed, by
nodding my head up and down.”
“The men all asked, ‘’Is that mule for sale?’”
Q&A
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
A: Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
Pool
A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes
that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls
home so that his wife can retrieve them.
The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is
busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone.
The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the
Gardener.
The man goes nuts and offers the maid one million dollars
to shoot them both The maid agrees, and he soon hears
two gunshots.
The maid returns to the phone, and he asks her what
happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the
gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool.
The man says, “Pool? Is this 555-4320?”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
THREE LEGGED DOG
THREE LEGGED DOG
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I’m looking for the ‘dirty vomit’ that shot my paw.”
Earring
A man is at work one day when he notices that his
coworker is wearing an earring
The man knows his coworker to be a conservative guy,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into
earrings.”
The coworker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a
big deal out of this. It’s only an earring.”
The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been
wearing one?”
The coworker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in
my truck.”
Calculator
Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add ten and five on a
calculator?
A: She couldn’t find the “ten” button.
Collision Course
Looking out from the bridge on his ship, a sea captain
sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with
his ship
He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten
degrees east.”
The light signals back to the ship: “Change course ten
degrees west.”
Angrily, the captain sends a second signal stating, “I’m
a navy captain. Change your course, sir.”
“I’m a seaman second class” comes back the reply. “You
change your course, sir.”
The captain is now furious. “I’m a battleship,” he signals.
“I’m not changing course for anything.”
He receives one final call stating “Well! I’m a lighthouse,
so it’s your choice.”
Sand
What do you have when a hundred lawyers are buried
up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
In The Jungle
Kristen, a lost dog, strays into a jungle.
Audrey, a lion, sees this from a distance and says with
caution, “This dog looks edible. I’ve never seen her kind
before.” So Audrey starts menacingly rushing toward
Kristen, the dog
Kristen notices and starts to panic, but as she gets a
about to run, she sees some bones next to her and gets
an idea: She says loudly, “That was some good lion meat.”
Audrey abruptly stops and says, “Whoa! This dog seems
tougher than she looks. I’d better leave while I can.”
From a nearby tree top Ari, a monkey, witnesses everything.
Ari realizes that she can benefi t from this situation
by telling the lion and getting something in return So she
proceeds to tell Audrey what really happened
Audrey says angrily, “Get on my back We will get her
together.” They start rushing back to the dog.
But Kristen sees them and realizes what has happened
and starts to panic even more
She then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the
hell is that monkey? I told her to bring me another lion
an hour ago.”
Toilet Paper
A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any
toilet paper
He calls over to the man in the next stall “Hey! You got
any extra toilet paper in there?”
‘No,” replies the man.
“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded
man asks
“Nope,” the second man replies.
After a moment of silence, the fi rst man asks the second.
“Do you have ten ones for a ten-dollar bill?”
Suspended
There are eleven people hanging onto a rope that comes
down from an airplane. Ten of them are blondes, and one
is a brunette They all decide that one person should get
off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone
will die
No one can decide who should go, so fi nally the brunette
delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words,
“I’ll get off.”
The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start
clapping Problem solved.
Better Offer
The groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise
to love, honor, and obey and be faithful to her forever, I’d
appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfi
ed. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for
the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye
and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before
her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast
in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even
look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice,
“Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought
we had a deal.”
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and
whispers, “She made me a better offer.”
Start
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring
me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another
beer. It’s going to start.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him
a beer When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer
before it starts.”
“That’s it!” She blew her top. “You bastard! You waltz
in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me,
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t
you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all
day long?”
The husband sighed. “Oh shit, it started!”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
OLD AGE
OLD AGE
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Old Age
Old age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled
and bold they don’t recognize you.”
Idiots
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base,
the drill sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots, fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier
remained at attention The drill instructor walked over
until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single
eyebrow
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of them,
huh, sir?”
Scotsman
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a
car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the
car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a
bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
“Go on,” said the Scot, “have another drink.”
The Englishman drank gratefully. “But don’t you want
one, too?” he asked the Scotsman.
“Perhaps,” replied the Scotsman, “after the police
have gone.”
Walter
A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long
metal stick and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m German, but how did you know
my name was Walter?”
Q&A
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: It’s faster than walking!
Health Food
At my age, I don’t need health food. The more preservatives
I can get, the better.
lawyer
A priest dies and goes to heaven St Peter meets him
at the pearly gates and welcomes him to heaven
St. Peter says, “You’ve led a good life and served God
well. You will be rewarded here in heaven.”
St Peter shows him a new ranch house and says, “This
is your new home for eternity.”
Next he hands him keys and says, “These are for your
new Hyundai.”
The next person in line is a lawyer, and St Peter welcome
him to heaven and says, “John, here is your new home for
eternity and shows him a mansion.”
Next, St. Peter hands John the keys to a new BMW.
The priest objects, saying, “I’ve served you all my life.
Why this discrepancy?”
St. Peter said, “Well we have a lot of priests here in
heaven, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”
Diarrhea
Four out of five people suffer from diarrhea.
Which means one enjoys it?
married
John and Bob were discussing their married lives.
Although happily married to their wives, they admitted
that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve
made one great discovery I know how to always have the
last word.”
“Wow!” said Bob. “How did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always, ‘Yes,
dear.’”
lunch
Wife: Had your lunch?
Husband: Had your lunch?
Wife: I am asking you?
Husband: I am asking you?
Wife: You copying me?
Husband: You copying me?
Wife: Let’s go shopping.
Husband: I had my lunch.
Suicidal Tendencies
A guy burst into a psychiatrist office. “Doc,” he says, “I
have suicidal tendencies. What should I do?”
“Pay me in advance.”
lover
John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca: He said, “Be
honest now, baby. How am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that
you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly. “Yes, in fact. I would say
that you’re the dictionary definition of the word warm.”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun,
checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Comedy Group
My girlfriend told me if I join one more comedy group
on the internet, she’s going to leave me. I’m really going
to miss her.
Number 2
A man finishes pumping gas and goes into the store to
pay A sign on the pump says, “Please tell cashier the pump
number, to pay.”
The men walks up to the counter and says to the clerk,
“Number two.”
The clerk hands the man a set of keys, motions to a
hallway next to the counter, and says, “The second door
on the left.”
Empty
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
$
Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A: They’re worth it.
Tombstone
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party,
and they decide to make a shortcut through the cemetery
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled
by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer
and chisel chipping away at one of the tombstones.
“Holy cow!” one says after catching his breath. “You
scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost.
What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools,” Jack grumbled, “they misspelled my name.”
Honeymoon
An old man and old woman got married and went on their
Honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the
first time, and the old woman said, “I should tell you I have
acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so. You sure don’t have
cute tits.”
left Work Early
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same
office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “Let’s go home early
tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
The next day, they all leave right after the boss does.
The blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with
the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and
returns at her normal time
“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it
again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught!”
Q&A
Q: I used to hate facial hair.
A: But it’s growing on me.
Q: How many apples grow on a tree?
A: All of them.
Tuxedo
Brian passes away and his son, Logan, is arranging the
funeral.
Logan talks to the mortician about his father’s remains.
“We don’t have much money, but I want to the best for my
father. Please do what you can.”
A week later, the mortician presents Logan with the bill
for fifty dollars. Thinking it to be very reasonable, Logan
pays the bill. The next week, Logan gets another bill for
fifty dollars from the mortician. He also pays that. But a
week later a third bill arrives in the amount of fifty dollars.
Logan calls the mortician and says, “The funeral was three
weeks ago. Why am I still getting bills for fifty dollars?”
“You wanted the best for poor Brian,” the mortician
says. “So that tux was a rental.”
Wife
A man is standing at a grave, staring at the headstone A
second man walks up and asks, “Is this someone you knew?”
The first guy says, “Yes, it was my wife.”
The second guy says, “It must be hard to lose a wife.”
The first guys replies, “Yep, damn near impossible.
Q & A
Q: How do billboards talk?
A: Sign language.
Q: What do you call a duck that gets good grades?
A: A wise quacker.
Q: What kind of keys are sweet?
A: Cookies!
John Deere
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn
dancing naked around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing and says, “My wife has been ignoring
me lately, so I talked to my psychiatrist, and he said I
needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”
Fall
A man spends all night getting hammered at his local pub
After last call, the man stands up from his stool but
falls flat on his face, trying to walk.
He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar and
attempts to stand and falls to the sidewalk, flat on his face.
He drags himself to the car and drives home. He tries
to unlock the front door and finally gets it unlocked. But
falls on his face in the hallway at his home.
His wife is standing on the steps, waiting for her husband.
“You’ve been out drinking again, haven’t you?”
“What makes you think that?” the man asked while still
lying on the cold wooden floor.
“Because the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair, again.
Three-legged Dog
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I’m looking for the ‘dirty vomit’ that shot my paw.”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
SAME REASON
Same Reason
Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the
same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Q&A
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between us, something smells!
Skinny-Dipping
One evening, an old farmer decides to go down to his
pond to check on things
As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from
the pond. He is shocked to fi nd a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping
“Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts.
All of the women scream in shock and swim to the deep
end of the pond. One of the women shouted to the farmer,
“We’re not coming out until you leave, you pervert.
The old man replies, “I didn’t come down here to watch
you ladies swim or see you naked. I’m here to feed the
alligator.”
Q&A
Q: What do you call a guy who’s really loud?
A: Mike.
Chiropractor
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders,
back, and neck The lawyer turns around “What the hell
do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice
while I’m waiting in line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the
guy in front of me, do you?”
Where
Did you hear about the eighty-three-year-old woman
who talked herself out of a speeding ticket?
She told the officer that she had to get somewhere
before she forgot where she was going.
Politician
A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything
except office.
Anesthesia
A man had never had surgery before, and he was waiting
in the hospital nervously
“This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the doctor
assured him.”
“That makes me feel a little better,” the man said,
“Heck,” the doctor continues, “you have a better chance
of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
Gas
An old woman visits the doctor
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t
bother me too much It never smells and is always silent
As a matter of fact, I farted at least ten times since I’ve
been here in your office, and you didn’t know I was farting
because it doesn’t smell, and it’s silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, Mary Ann Take these pills and
come back and see me in a week.”
The next week Mary Ann returns to the doctor She
says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me but my
farts, although still silent, stink terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up
your sinus, let’s work on your hearing.”
Twentieth Reunion
An engineer and a psychologist meet up for their twentieth
college reunion
The engineer says, “I’m surprised to see you still looking
so young. I’d have thought listening to people’s problems
all day would have gotten you a mass of wrinkles.”
The psychiatrist replies, “You think we listen?”
lawyer
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of one hundred?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of fifty?
A: Senator.
Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist had to have a talk with his receptionist
“Just say that we’re very busy,” he said.
“Please stop telling people that it’s a madhouse.”
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
Flight Attendants
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
“In the event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
mask will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask ,and pull it over your face.”
“If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
***
“This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing.”
“Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will
be strip searched as they leave the aircraft.”
***
“Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate.”
“And once the tires smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced. We’ll open the door, and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Wall
A funeral service was being held for a young woman who
had just passed away As the pallbearers carried the casket
out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint
moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket
and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to
live ten more years and then died, and they held another
funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her
out, her husband yelled, “Watch out for that wall!”
Blind Date
The other night I went out on a blind date. Well, it didn’t
start out that way—she had mace.
Barbie
Q: Did you hear about the new “divorced” Barbie doll
in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.
Patriotic Brothers
Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their
patriotic duty and enlist in the military
They went to the Air Force recruiter. One of the brothers
speaks up. “We would like to join up, sir.”
“Excellent, tell me what do you do for a living now?”
Billy Ray says, “I’m a pilot.”
“Wonderful, we always need pilots in the Air Force.”
The recruiter looks at Darryl and says, “So what do you
do for a living?”
“I’m a wood chopper,” Darryl replies.
The recruiter frowns, “Oh. Well, I am sorry, sir. I am
afraid I can’t help you.”
Darryl gets a confused look on his face and asks the
recruiter, “What do you mean, you just took my brother?”
“That’s because your brother is a pilot.
Darryl again looks at the recruiter, confused, and says,
“Yeah, but I got to chop the wood before Billy Ray can
pile it!”
men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Advise
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party Their
conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the
lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you’re out of the offi ce?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send
them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares
the bills When he goes to place them in his mailbox,
he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Not Guilty
After a three-week criminal trial in a bank robbery case,
the jury finally ends its twenty-four hours of deliberation
and enters the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge
The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the
jury reached a verdict?”
“Yes, we have, your honor,” the foreman responds.
“Would you please pass it to me?”
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers
the verdict slip back and says, “Please read your verdict
to the court.”
“We fi nd the defendant not guilty of all four counts of
bank robbery.”
The family and friends of the defendant jump up and
down with joy at the sound of the not-guilty verdict and
hug each other as they show expressions of gratitude.
The defendant’s attorney turns to the client and asks,
“So what do you think about that?”
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a
bewildered look on his face and then turns to the defense
attorney and says,
“I’m really confused here. Does this mean that I have
to give all the money back?”
Traffic Camera
A man is driving along when he notices the flash of a
traffic camera.
He figures that his picture has been taken for exceeding
the speed limit, even though he knows he wasn’t speeding.
Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact
same spot driving even slower this time Again, the camera
flashes.
He knows it is hilarious since he was obviously doing nothing
wrong So he drives even slower as he passes through
the light for a third time. The traffic camera takes his
photo again
The final time he passes through the light, he is going
thirty miles under the speed limit
Two weeks later, he gets four tickets in the mail for
operating a car without a safety belt.
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
SUPERMAN
Superman
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Clyde and Clark are standing on the roof of their building
drinking a few beers. When Clark says, “Hey, Clyde, did
you know that if you jump off this building, after you get
down so far a draft will pull you back inside the building
on the third floor?”
“Get out of here,” says Clyde.
“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the
building and sure enough he is taken in by the draft to
the third-floor window. He takes the elevator back up, and
Clyde is standing there in awe
“I can’t believe it,” says Clyde.
“I know you should try it.” So Clyde hops off and plunges
to the ground
The new doorman, working below, sees Clyde splat to
the ground and screams back up, “Superman, you’re a real
jerk when you’re drunk.”
Broken Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fi x a broken fence at
the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from
Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the
fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure
and does some measuring, then works some figures with
a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about
$900—$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100
profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring
and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700—$300
for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure,
but leans over to the White House official and whispers,
$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high
figure?”
The Chicago contractor whispers back, “One thousand
dollars for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from
Tennessee to fi x the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my
friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Wall
A funeral service was being held for a young woman who
had just passed away As the pallbearers carried the casket
out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint
moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket
and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to
live ten more years and then died, and they held another
funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her
out, her husband yelled, “Watch out for that wall!”
Blind Date
The other night I went out on a blind date. Well, it didn’t
start out that way—she had mace.
Barbie
Q: Did you hear about the new “divorced” Barbie doll
in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.
Patriotic Brothers
Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their
patriotic duty and enlist in the military
They went to the Air Force recruiter. One of the brothers
speaks up. “We would like to join up, sir.”
“Excellent, tell me what do you do for a living now?”
Billy Ray says, “I’m a pilot.”
“Wonderful, we always need pilots in the Air Force.”
The recruiter looks at Darryl and says, “So what do you
do for a living?”
“I’m a wood chopper,” Darryl replies.
The recruiter frowns, “Oh. Well, I am sorry, sir. I am
afraid I can’t help you.”
Darryl gets a confused look on his face and asks the
recruiter, “What do you mean, you just took my brother?”
“That’s because your brother is a pilot.
Darryl again looks at the recruiter, confused, and says,
“Yeah, but I got to chop the wood before Billy Ray can
pile it!”
men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Advise
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party Their
conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the
lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send
them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares
the bills When he goes to place them in his mailbox,
he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Not Guilty
After a three-week criminal trial in a bank robbery case,
the jury finally ends its twenty-four hours of deliberation
and enters the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge
The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the
jury reached a verdict?”
“Yes, we have, your honor,” the foreman responds.
“Would you please pass it to me?”
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers
the verdict slip back and says, “Please read your verdict
to the court.”
“We find the defendant not guilty of all four counts of
bank robbery.”
The family and friends of the defendant jump up and
down with joy at the sound of the not-guilty verdict and
hug each other as they show expressions of gratitude.
The defendant’s attorney turns to the client and asks,
“So what do you think about that?”
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a
bewildered look on his face and then turns to the defense
attorney and says,
“I’m really confused here. Does this mean that I have
to give all the money back?”
Traffic Camera
A man is driving along when he notices the flash of a
traffic camera.
He figures that his picture has been taken for exceeding
the speed limit, even though he knows he wasn’t speeding.
Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact
same spot driving even slower this time Again, the camera
flashes.
He knows it is hilarious since he was obviously doing nothing
wrong So he drives even slower as he passes through
the light for a third time. The traffic camera takes his
photo again.
The final time he passes through the light, he is going
thirty miles under the speed limit
Two weeks later, he gets four tickets in the mail for
operating a car without a safety belt.
Same Reason
Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the
same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
MARRIAGE
Marriage
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.
Where
Jane: “Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men
who can show their feelings?”
Jill: “They already have boyfriends.”
Old Age
Two old guys were sitting under a tree watching the
sun go down
One says, “You know. “I’m eighty-four, and my body is full
of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”
The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.”
“Really?” asked the first guy.
“Yep!” says the second guy. “No teeth, no hair, and I
think I just wet my pants.”
Search Party
A waiter returned to the table to ask the customer
how his meal is, so far. “How did you find your steak?” the
waiter asked
The man said, “I just pushed a ton of mashed potatoes
to the side, and there it was.”
Cancer
Q: What worse than finding out your ex-wife got cancer?
A: Finding out it’s curable.
BUS
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with
no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband
continued for more than two weeks.
When asked he replied miserably, “My wife missed
the bus.”
Your Name
Two elderly ladies had been friends since they were in
their thirties Now, well into their eighties, they still got
together a couple of times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing gin rummy ,and one of them
said. “You know, we’ve been friends for so many years,
and please don’t get mad, but for the life of me I can’t
remember your name. Please tell me what it is.”
Her friend glared at her and continued to stare at her
for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, “How soon do
you need to know?”
mirror
Katie and Ann are walking side by side down the road.
Katie sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground. She
picks it up, looks at it, and says, “This gal looks so familiar,
but I can’t remember where I know her from.”
Ann grabs the mirror from her hand and takes a look
at it and says, “It’s me, you idiot.
Regularity
Three elderly men are sitting on a park bench complaining
“Every morning I get up at 6:00 a.m.,” Gary explains,
“and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.”
Greg adds, “I get up at 6:00 a.m. too, and it feels like
I got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet but
nothing “
Josh chimes in the conversation and tells his friends, “I
pee and move my bowels at exactly 6:00 a.m. every morning.”
“That’s not bad,” Gary responds. “Why are you
complaining?”
Josh admits, “The problem is I don’t usually get up until
7:00 a.m.”
Solitary Confinement
Three men are convicted of a crime and sentenced to
twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed
to bring something into the cell
The first man, Gary, chooses as many books as he can
fi t into the cell.
The second man, Greg, request painting supplies
The last man, Josh, requests twenty years’ worth of
cigarettes
On the morning of their release, the warden goes to
visit each of the men in his cell.
Gary tells the warden, “These last twenty years of
studying have been amazing. I’m going to go back to school
and get my teaching degree.”
Greg tells the warden, “I have become an accomplished
artist. And my works will hang in some of the most famous
Gallery’s in the world.”
The warden enters Josh’s cell and finds him surrounded
by all of the cigarettes.
Josh tells the warden, “I probably should have also
requested matches.”
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
BULLING
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Bullying
A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His
father asks him, “What’s wrong, son?”
The kid tells his dad that he’s upset because another
kid has been teasing him and calling him gay
The father says, “Punch him in the face next time he
does that. I bet he’ll stop.”
The kid replies, “Yeah, but he’s so cute!”
Beer
A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking
a beer
The man says, “I love you.”
The woman says, “Is that you talking or the beer talking?”
The man says, “That’s me talking to the beer!”
Ring
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.
Nuns
Three nuns walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
Patients
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients
they prefer.
Dr. Watson says, ‘‘I prefer librarians. All their organs
are alphabetized.’’
Dr. Fitzpatrick says, ‘‘I prefer mathematicians. All their
organs are numbered.’’
Dr. Ahner says, ‘‘I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless,
brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends
are interchangeable.’’
Flashlight
A police officer finds a young couple messing around
in their parked car. The officer shines his light into the
window.
The young man jumps out of the car and declares,
“Honest, Officer, we weren’t doing anything.”
“In that case,” the officer replies, “let me inside, and
you come out here and hold the flashlight.”
Fire
“Do you know how to start a fire using two pieces
of wood?”
“One has to be a matchstick.”
Bill
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86
percent of women in DC said, “Not again.”
Scale
A man’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday
gift for weeks now.
On the day before, the man asks, “So, what do you think
you’re getting for your birthday?”
The wife responds, “All I know is that it is better be in
the driveway and it better go from zero to two hundred
in under six seconds.”
“Oh, it will,” he responded, “and it does.”
The next morning, his wife wakes up to fi nd a bathroom
scale in the driveway.
Arrested
I was walking down the street, and I punched a white
guy, and then I was arrested for assault.
The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy, and
I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Diapers
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they
should both be changed regularly—and for the same reason.
Stop Sign
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff.
He thinks he’s smarter, being a big-shot lawyer from
New York and has a better education than a sheriff from
West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer
asks, “What for?”
The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete
stop at the stop sign.”
The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and
registration please,” says the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license
and registration, and you can give me the ticket. If not,
you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your
vehicle.”
The lawyer steps out, and the sheriff takes out his
nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff
says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
Anonymous Donor
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks
up your daughter
Born
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Rhode Island?
A: God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Subject
A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and
says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!”
The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say, ‘Or
you’re history’?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
Best Friend
If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put
your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back
an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy
to see you.
Scared
Dad: “Can I see your report card, son?”
Son: “I don’t have it.”
Dad: “Why?”
Son: “I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his
parents.”
Bird
Teacher: “Name a bird with wings but can’t fly.”
Student: “A dead bird, sir.”
Father
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of
friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply
can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and
oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student
busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad.
Parenti ng
Being a parent means knowing how to unwrap a candy
bar without making any noise
Double
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me
six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of
a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and
asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender
asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that
my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders
another six double vodkas. The bartender says, “Jesus!
Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head,
“Yeah, my wife!
love me
A wife asked her husband, “Honey, will you still love me
when I am old and overweight?”
The man replied, “Yes, I do.”
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
The dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it this
way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me
capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the
money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to
take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The
nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby
brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that
and see if that makes sense.”
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad
had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and
finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he
goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand
the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing
the working class, the government is sound asleep, the
people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit.”
larger Breasts
Fresh out of the shower, a woman stood in front of the
mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were
too small
Instead of telling her it isn’t true, he comes up with a
suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them
for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet
paper and stands in front of the mirror again, rubbing it
between her breasts
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” her husband
replies
“Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make them larger?”
“It worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
Teenagers
How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One—He holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
E – ELEPHANT
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
E -Elephant
The teacher said, “Today’s class is going be about animals.
I’m going give you a letter, and I want you to tell me
what animal’s name begins with that letter. But please raise
your hand and wait until I recognize you before giving me
the answer.”
So the teacher said, “E.”
And Johnny jumped up and hollered out, “Elephant!”
The teacher said, “The answer is correct, but I asked
you to please wait till I call on you.”
She then said, “T.”
And Johnny jumped up again and said, “Two elephants!”
The teacher said, “Go to the principal’s office.”
Just as Johnny was going out the door, the teacher
said “M.”
And Johnny hollered, “Maybe an elephant.”
Names
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student,
“What are your parents’ names?”
The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing, and
my mother’s name is Smiling.”
The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”
The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am
Joking.”
Crossing the Street
An old man stepped off a curb and started to cross the
street
A car came screeching around the corner and headed
straight for him. The alarmed man tried to hurry across
the street, but the car changed lanes and maintained its
collision course
So the man turned around and started to cross back to
the curb, but the car switched lanes again
Panicking, the man froze in the middle of the road.
The car pulled up beside him And the window rolled
down The driver was a squirrel
“See,” said the squirrel. “It’s not as easy as it looks.”
Barbie
Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly
realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t
bought her a present He drives to the mall, runs to the
toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is
that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie? We
have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the
Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie
Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing
for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when
all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie
comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s
furniture…”
move
Q: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked
him to move?
A: Nah, mastay.
Explorer
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the
first time, and in the center of the tomb, there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it,
a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know
the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s got to be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie I will grant you three wishes, but
whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that
amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool,
and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around
for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and
says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to
death.”
Faithful
A man is only as faithful as his options.
Sister
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your
sister.”
Watching
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in
front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note: “Take all you want. God
is watching the apples.”
mothers
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Betty
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to
which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again,
“Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A
plumber?”
Two days later, a light bulb went out, and she begged
him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work
to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, and the
light bulb is changed
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next-door neighbor?
He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could
either bake him a cake or have sex with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what
kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?”
Sermon
A new priest does his first mass. He is very nervous,
and he stammers his way through
Afterwards, he approaches the monsignor to ask how
he thought it went. “Well,” says the monsignor, “try a little
wine before you do your next mass.”
So the next time the priest delivers a real fi re-andbrimstone
sermon, after which he asks the monsignor,
“How did I do this time?”
The fellow clergyman replies, “You did well, son, but I
need to clear up a few of your misconceptions.”
“First off, it was the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit,
not ‘Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.’
“Next, David slew Goliath; he didn’t ‘whip the shit out
of him.’
“And last of all we are planning a taffy-pulling contest
here at St. Peter’s, not a ‘Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy.’”
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes
I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 