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BRAIN
BRAIN
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A: A golden retriever.
Parachutes
Four people were heading to Hawaii on a plane—a pilot,
a lawyer, a priest, and a kid. Suddenly, the plane starts to
shake and begins to go down
Searching around the cabin, they find only three parachutes.
“I have a family and a daughter who’s expecting,” says
the pilot. Before anybody can stop him, he grabs a parachute
and jumps off the plane.
The lawyer says, “Well, I’m the smartest man on earth, so
I deserve to live.” He also grabs a parachute and jumps off.
Now there’s only one parachute left. The priest notices
this and tells the kid “Son, go ahead and take the last one
I have lived my life.”
The boy looks around the plane and says, “Wait, we can
both live.”
“How?” the priest asked.
“Because the smartest man in the world just jumped
out with my backpack.”
Pregnant
What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
I wonder if it’s mine.
The Drink
There is this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for a half hour Then a big troublemaking
truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the
guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on, man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see
a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep, and I
go in late to my office. My outraged boss fi res me. When I
leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home,
and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet The cab
driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find
my wife in bed with the gardener I leave my home, come
to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an
end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
New York
A woman is having lunch when a man approaches her table.
“Excuse me, miss” the man says, “My wife and I are visiting
from out of town She loves your sandals She wanted
me to come over and ask if you bought them around here.”
“Actually,” the woman responds, “I got them at a shop
just about a block from here.”
“Fantastic,” the men responds, “and if you don’t mind me
asking, how much did you spend for them?”
“I paid about $250,” she admits.
“Thank you,” the man responds. He walks away and yells
to his wife. “She got them in New York.”
Baseball Pitcher
A rookie pitcher is struggling on the mound. So the
catcher walks out to him to have a little talk
“I think I figured out your problem,” the catcher tells
the shaky pitcher. “You always lose control at exactly the
same point in every game.”
“When do I usually lose my control?” he asks the pitcher.
“It’s usually,” the catcher admits, “right after the national
anthem.”
Bad Carburetor
A man was driving down a country road when his car
stalled
He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find
out what the problem was.
A brown-and-white cow slowly walked over from the
fi eld. The cow stuck her head under the hood and, after
a moment, looked at the man and said, “Looks like a bad
carburetor to me.” Then she walked back into the fi eld and
resumed grazing, again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the ranch house and
asked the rancher, “Is this your cow in the fi eld?”
The rancher looked out and replied, “Yep, that’s old
Alice.”
The man said, “My car is broken down, and this cow
walks over, looks under the hood, and says, ‘Looks like a
bad carburetor to me.’”
The rancher shook his head and said, “Don’t mind old
Alice. She hangs out around the garage, reads a couple of
magazines, and thinks she knows everything. Actually, she
doesn’t know a thing about carburetors.”
Stranded
A man has been stranded alone on a desert island for
ten years
One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He watches
and waits as the speck gets closer and closer until out of
the surf emerges a gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit
and scuba gear
She calmly walks up to the man and asks, “How long has
it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” he says.
She unzips a pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a
pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man,
that’s good!”
Then she asked, “How long is it ben since you’ve had
a beer?”
“Ten years,” he replied. She unzips a pocket on her right
sleeve and pulls out a bottle of beer and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping the longer zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and says to him, “And how
long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
The man replies, “Wow, don’t tell me that you’ve got a
jet ski in there.”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
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SKYDIVING
SKYDIVING
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Skydiving
The skydiving student is being instructed on how to
open the shoot.
“You counted to ten out loud,” the instructor says. “And
then pulled the ripcord.”
The student asks, “Wwwhaaat is theeeee cccccount
again?”
The instructor says, “Two.”
Mating Call
What is the mating call of a blonde? I’m so drunk.
What is the mating call of a brunette? Is that blonde
gone yet?
What is the mating call of a redhead? Next!
Dana
“I hope you don’t take it personally, Reverend,” an
embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when
my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather distracting,” the preacher replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” the churchgoer said.
“Dana has been walking in his sleep, since he was just a
child.”
Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human, because even though it was a very
large mammal, its throat was very small
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by
a whale
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human. It was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah goes to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”
Accident
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was
involved in a fatal car accident The couple found themselves
sitting outside the pearly gates waiting for St. Peter to
process them into heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get
married in heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out,’” and he left.
The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months
passed, and the couple were still waiting. While waiting,
they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work
out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in
heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering,
what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce
in heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard
onto the ground
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“Oh, come on!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how
long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
Michelle
A guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
“What are you supposed to be?” asks the host.
“I’m a snail,” says the guy.
“But you have a girl on your back,” replies the host.
“Yeah,” he says. “That’s Michelle.”
Buying A TV
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if
she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her
and says that he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair to
a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV
this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t
serve blondes
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you
know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not
a TV. It’s a microwave!”
Painting
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire
herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a
wealthy neighborhood She went to the front door of the
first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do?
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about fifty dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders
that she might need were in the garage
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation
and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch
goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the
porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect
her money
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over,
so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the fi fty
dollars
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch,
it’s a Ferrari.”
magic mirror
A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a
magic mirror If you lie to the mirror, you die
The redhead says, “I look fat,” and dies.
The brunette says, “I look skinny,” and dies.
The blonde says, “I think—” and dies.
Gift
After traveling on a business trip, a man thinks it would
be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift
“How about some perfume,” he asks the cosmetics clerk.
She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” he says.
So, she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars
“That’s still quite a bit,” he complains.
Growing annoyed the clerk brings him a $15 bottle
“What I mean,” said the man, “is I’d like to see something
really cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Peanuts
Clyde is out with his friends
There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and Clyde
and his friends start snacking on them
Before they leave, his friends say, “Nice to meet you,
ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts.”
“You’re welcome,” the grandmother says. “Ever since I
lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off
of them.”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
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BUTT DUST
BUTT DUST
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Butt Dust
A minister begins his sermon. “Dear Lord,” he said with
arms extended and a rapturous look in his eyes, “without
you, we are but dust “
He would have continued but at that moment, one little
girl who was listening carefully to the minister leaned
to her mother and asked loudly, in her shrill little voice,
“Mommy, what is butt dust?”
Retiree Golfer
A retiree is given a set of golf clubs by his coworkers
He goes to the local pro for lessons, explaining that he
knows nothing about the game
The pro shows him the stance and swing and then says
“Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”
The novice tees up and smacks the ball straight down
the fairway onto the green, where it stops just inches
from the hole
“Now what?” the novice asks.
The speechless pro says, “Oh, you’re supposed to hit it
into the cup.”
“Oh, great!” says the novice, disgusted. “Now you tell me.”
my Grandson
An elderly women was flying to attend her grandson’s
third birthday party.
Talking to the man sitting next to her, she said, “I’m so
excited. I remember when he was just a little tike, and
now he’s already three. It’s really hard to believe he’s the
most adorable thing you’ve ever seen.
“You know what, hold on, I think I might have a picture
on me. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is. Just
look at him. Isn’t he adorable? Do you see his dimple on his
left cheek? Simply adorable. I could stare at this picture
all day
“Oh my, you should hear him on the phone. He is just the
cutest. He says to me, in the cutest voice, ‘Hi, Grandma.’
It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like two hours for the poor man
sitting next to her, the woman realized that perhaps she
was taking a bit too much. She said, “You know, I feel terrible
here I am talking and talking without letting you get
a word in edgewise. Tell me; What do you think about my
grandson?
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes into a Chinese restaurant for a meal.
They order chicken surprise. The waiter brings the
meal, served in a cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about
to serve herself, the lid of the pot raises slightly, and she
briefly sees two beady little eyes, looking around before
the lid slams back down
“Good grief! Did you see that?” she says to her husband.
He has not seen it. So she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it, and again the lid raises, and he sees
two little beady eyes looking around before it slams down
Sputtering in a fi t of rage, he calls the waiter over,
describes what is happening and demands an explanation.
The waiter says, “Please, sir, what did you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken surprise.”
“Oh,” says the waiter. “So sorry. I brought you Peking
chicken
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
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MOM’s ROOM
MOM’s ROOM
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
A family moves into the new house Grandma comes to
visit and asks the youngest child, “How do you like the new
place?”
He says, “It‛ s terrific! I have my own room My brother
has his own room. My sister has her own room. But poor
mom is still sleeping with dad.”
Jigsaw Puzzle
Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She
finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months when the box said,
“Two to four years.”
Blonde, Redhead, and Brunette
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the
desert
They found a magic lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped
out and granted them each of them a wish
The redhead wished to be back home Poof! She was
back home
The brunette wished to be at home with her family
Poof! She was back home with her family
The blonde said, “Aww, I wish my friends were here.”
***
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette They
were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was
fifty miles away. The redhead swam, trying to make it
to the other shore she swam fifteen miles, drowned, and
died. The brunette swam twenty-four miles, drowned, and
died. The blonde swam twenty-five miles, got tired, and
swam back.
lie Detector
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, “Son,
where were you today during school hours?”
“At school.”
The robot slaps the son.
“Okay, I went to the movies!”
The father asks, “Which one?”
“Harry Potter.”
The robot slaps the son again.
“Okay, I was watching porn!”
The father replies, “What? When I was your age, I
didn’t even know what porn was!”
The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, “Ha! After all, he is your son!”
The robot slaps the mother.
Twins
A blonde goes to the doctor’s and finds out she’s pregnant
with twins
She starts crying and the doctor asks her what’s wrong.
She replies, “I know who the dad is for one of them, but
I don’t know who the dad is for the other one!”
State Capitals
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all
the blonde jokes.
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state
capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started
telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a
shrill announcement
“I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want
you to know that this blonde went home last night and did
something probably none of you could do. I memorized all
the state capitals.
One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you.
What is the capital of Nevada?”
“N,” she answered.
Two Children
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two children enter the
dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table
The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend
nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The
guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary
is happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children
leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table during
which one of the children was heard saying, “You see, it is
vanishing cream.”
Good News
A woman calls her husband at work
“I’m kind of busy right now, honey. Can’t it wait until I
get home?”
“Not really,” she replies. “I’ve just got to share some
good news and some bad news.”
“All right,” he replies, playing along, “I’m in a hurry so
just give me the good news.”
“Well,” she says, “the good news is that the airbags on
the car work correctly.”
34
JOHN D. GASkEll, EE, PE
Tomatoes
An old man wanted to plant a tomato garden, but it was
diffi cult work and his only son, Clyde, was in prison. The
old man described the predicament in a letter.
“Dear Clyde, looks like there will be no tomatoes this
year. I’m just too old to be digging. I wish you were here
to dig for me. Love, Dad.”
A week later, he received response.
“Dear Dad, sorry I am not here to help, but whatever
you do, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried
the bodies. Love, Clyde.”
Soon FBI agents arrived and dug up the entire area, but
they couldn’t fi nd any bodies. They apologized and left.
The next day, the old man received another letter
“Dear Dad, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s
the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Clyde.”
Dead Birdie
A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the
brunette says, “Aw, look at the dead birdie.”
The blonde looks up and says, “Where?”
35
PE’Pā’S BEST JOkES VOlUmE 1
Surpri se
During lunch at work, I ate three plates of beans (which I
know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my husband exclaimed,
“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner
table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my
blindfold, the telephone rang. The beans I had consumed were
still affecting me, and the pressure was becoming unbearable,
so while my husband was out of the room, I seized the
opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
Then I ripped off three more. The stink was worse
than cooked cabbage. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually, the telephone farewells signaled the end of
my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times
with my napkin, placed it on my lap, and folded my hands
back on it, feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when
my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He
asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I
assured him I had not
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
guests seated around the table, with their hands to their
noses, chorused, “Happy birthday!”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
TWO BOYS
Two Boys
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Two young boys were sharing a hospital room.
One said, “I’m getting my tonsils out, and I’m a little worried.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” the other boy said. “I had
my tonsils out and it was actually not so bad I got to eat
all the ice cream and Jell-O that I wanted.”
The other little boy said, “I’m getting a circumcision,
whatever that is.”
“Oh my God, a circumcision,” the other boy cried. “I got
one of those when I was just a baby, and I couldn’t talk or
walk for two years.”
Two Children
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two children enter the
dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table
The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend
nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The
guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary
is happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children
leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table during
which one of the children was heard saying, “You see, it is
vanishing cream.”
Job Interview
A man went to a job interview. His resume was fantastic,
and his qualities made him a perfect fit for the company.
The interviewer was very impressed.
“You’re a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you.
However, there is a five-year gap in your resume. What
were you doing during that time?”
“I went to Yale.”
“Wow! Great! You’re hired.”
“‘Yay! I got a yob.”
Q&A
Q: Have you heard my great joke about construction?
A: I’m still working on it.
Q: How does a one-armed man tie his shoes?
A: Single-handedly.
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: They use honeycombs.
Twenty-Five Cents
A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight
pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand
why they were killing each other over twenty-five cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for
the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get
the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, ‘Hello?
It’s only twenty-five cents!”
Overweight
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial
comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of ten pounds
in a week So the guy, thinking, What the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing
at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a
sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you
can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries
to catch her, but is unable This continues for a week, at
the end of which, the man has lost ten pounds.
After this, he tries the next weight loss plan, fifteen
pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing
at the door in similar conditions. The same happens
with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as
suspected, weighs fifteen pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master
program.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking
three-hundred-pound muscle man with nothing but a pair
of running shoes, and a sign around his neck that says, “If
I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose twenty-five pounds in the
week; he lost thirty-four.
Dead Chicken
The teacher asked the class what our favorite animal
was
Johnny said fried chicken. The teacher said I wasn’t
funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everybody
else in the class laughed
I told my dad what happened. And he said, “Your
teacher was probably a member of PETA: They love animals
very much.”
I do too, especially chicken, pork, and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I
told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told
me not to do it again
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my
favorite live animal was.”
I told her it was a chicken. She asked me why? I told her
it was because “You could make them into fried chicken.”
She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He
laughed and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand.
My parents taught me to be honest. My teacher doesn’t
like it when I am
Today my teacher asked us, “What famous person do
you admire most?”
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
THREE-LEGGED PIG
Three – legged Pig
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
A man was driving along a rural road When his car
started to give him trouble, he pulled over, walked up the
path to a nearby farm, and saw a pig with only three legs.
He told the farmer, “My car broke down. May I use your
phone?”
The man said, “What’s the story with this three-legged pig?”
And the farmer said, “Oh! That pig is terrific. Not long
ago, our house caught on fi re in the middle of the night. And
this little pig jumped up onto the porch and banged himself
against the door until we woke up. He’s a terrific pig.”
And the motorist said, “Well, why has he only got
three legs?”
The farmer said, “Let me tell you one more story I was
out in the fi eld one day plowing, and I fell off my plow. The
plow was just about ready to run me over when this little
pig ran out and dragged me out of the way. He’s really
terrific.”
The guy said, “Wow! Yeah! But why has he only got
three legs?”
The farmer said, “A pig, as terrific as that, you can’t eat
him all at once!”
Bank Hold-Up
A man holds-up a bank. After he has the money, the
bank robber lines up the hostages and asks the fi rst one,
“Did you see me hold up the bank?”
The man says, “Well, sure I did,” and the bank robber
shoots him.”
The bank robber then asks the second man, “Did you
see me hold up the bank?”
The man says, “No, no, no. I didn’t see a thing. But my
wife here, she sees everything.”
Boots
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots
a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says, “No chance, love. They’re way too
expensive.”
Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep. The husband
tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and lower
on her thigh
She turns to him and says, “I don’t think so, mate. If
you’re not prepared to shoe a horse, then you’re sure as
hell aren’t riding it.”
Inflation?
On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listened
as she went on and on about the cost of living
“When I was young girl,” she moaned, “you could go to
the store with a dollar and come home with food to feed
the family for a whole week
“Well, Grandma,” the boy replied, “we learned about that
in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”
“Inflation nothing,” the grandmother answered. “No! It’s
all those darn security cameras they got today,”
Painting
Mother Superior tells two new nuns that they have to
paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our
clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this and begin painting their room. Soon they
hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, and one nun says, “He’s
blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where
do you want me to hang the blinds?”
Nudist Colony
At the nudist colony for communists, two old men are
sitting on the porch.
One turns the other and says, “I say, old boy, have you
read Marx?”
And the other says, “Yes, I believe it’s these Wicker
chairs.”
Fast Chicken
While driving in the countryside, a man saw a chicken
running alongside his car
The chicken appeared to have three legs and was very
fast. The man sped up to fifty miles an hour, and the chicken
stayed right with him. At seventy-five, he was still there,
jogging with a smirk on his face.
The motorist decided to stop and take a closer look, when
all of a sudden the chicken darted into a farm driveway
and disappeared.
As the man drove up to the farmhouse, the farmer
walked out with his wife and young son
“Have you seen a three-legged chicken around here?”
“Sure,” the farmer said. “That’s my chicken.”
“Really! How did he get three legs? He’s really fast.”
The old farmer said, “My wife and son and I live here
alone. We each love fried chicken, especially the drumsticks.
I decided to develop a new breed of chicken with
three legs so we could each have a drumstick from only
one chicken.”
“Amazing. How do they taste?”
“I don’t know,” the farmer said. “We haven’t been able
to catch him yet.”
Human Race
A little girl asked her mother “How did the human race
appear?”
The mother answered, “Well, God made Adam and Eve,
and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.”
Two days later, the little girl asked her father the exact
same question The father answered, “Many years ago there
were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.”
The confused little girl returned to her mother and
said, “Mom, you told me that the human race was created
by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why
do you have a different story.”
The mother answered, “Well I was referring to my side
of the family, and your dad was referring to his side.”
Oxygen
A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for
breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.”
A blond student responds, “Thank God I was born after
1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”
Sick
Negotiations between union members and their employer
were at an impasse. One morning at the bargaining table,
the company’s chief negotiator held up a newspaper.
“This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday.
There on the sports page is a photo of the supposedly ill
employee who had just won a local golf tournament with
an excellent score.”
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room
“Incredible,” he said. “Just think of what score he could
have had if he wasn’t sick.”
Breasts
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning
from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so
happy?”
The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen year-
old.”
“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband. “What did he say about
your forty-five-year-old ass?”
She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
Divorced
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me
a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a
happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday,
boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went
there, and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom
for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said.
She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake,
my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues
all yelling, “Surprise!”
While I was waiting on the sofa—naked.
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
PREGNANT
PREGNANT
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the
air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant:
their legs.
Three Nickols
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He
gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels
and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up
two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A woman looks up, gets up from her seat, and makes
her way to the boy. The woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and
twist, gently at fi rst and then ever so fi rmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel. Releasing the boy’s testicles,
the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back
to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts
thanking her, saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything
like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. ‘Divorce attorney. I always get
the last nickel.”
Convict
A gal walked into her favorite bar in Florida: After a
few minutes, a handsome guy came in and sat next to her
She said, “I haven’t seen you here before. Is this your
first visit?”
The man said, “No, but I haven’t been back in twenty
years.”
She said, “Twenty years? Why so long?”
He said, “Well, I’ve been in prison.”
“Prison,” she said. “Do you mind telling me why?”
The guy said, “Well I’m not proud of it, but I killed
my wife.”
The gal said with a smile, “Oh, so you‛re single.”
Poker
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker.
The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.
“Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?”
“Yep,” the bartender replies.
“Well, is he any good?” the guy asks.
“No! Every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.”
Rocking Chair
A woman is walking down the street and sees an old-timer
on a porch in a rocking chair rocking back and forth with
a huge smile on his face
She stops and says, “Sir, would you mind telling me the
secret to your longevity and your happiness?”
He says, “Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day.
I drink a case of whiskey every week I eat all the fatty
foods that I want, and I never exercise.”
“That’s remarkable,” she says. “If you don’t mind me
asking, sir, how old are you?”
He proudly replied, “I’m twenty-seven.”
Caddie
Clyde was twenty-four over par by the eighth hole. He
had landed a dozen balls in the water hazard and dug himself
into a trench, fighting his way out of the rough.
When the caddy coughed during a one-foot putt, Clyde
exploded. “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world,
he screamed.”
“I doubt it,” replied the caddy. “That would be too much
of a coincidence.”
Dwarf
A man was driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic. He
wasn’t paying attention, and he bumped the car in front of
him. He didn’t really do any damage, but he did hit the car.
Slowly the other driver got out of his car, and the man
could see that the other driver was really short. He was
actually a dwarf!
The dwarf pounded over to the man’s car, looked up at
him, and shouted, ‘”I am not happy!”
So the man looked down at him and said, ‘Well then—
which one are you?”
Bank Hold-Up
A man holds-up a bank. After he has the money, the
bank robber lines up the hostages and asks the first one,
“Did you see me hold up the bank?”
The man says, “Well, sure I did,” and the bank robber
shoots him.”
The bank robber then asks the second man, “Did you
see me hold up the bank?”
The man says, “No, no, no. I didn’t see a thing. But my
wife here, she sees everything.”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
CANNIBALS
CANNIBALS
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Two cannibals were eating a clown One said to the other,
“Does this taste funny to you?”
Preparation
“May I take your order?” the blonde waitress asked.
“Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special sir,” she replied. “We just tell them
straight out that they’re going to die.”
Where Are You?
A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fi re so she called
911. The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house
is on fi re!”
The operator asked, “Where are you?”
The blonde answered, “At my house.”
The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get
there?”
The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”
Q&A
Q: Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
A: For tweeting on a test!
Q: What social event do spiders love to attend?
A: Webbings.
Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: Dill with it.
Florida
Melvin called his mother in Florida: “Mom, how are you?”
he asked
“Not too good,” she said. “I’ve been very weak.
The son said, “Why are you weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in thirty-six days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten
in thirty-six days?”
The mother answered, “I didn’t want my mouth to be
filled with food when you called.”
Winter
The young man heard that his father, grandfather
and great grandfather had all walked on water on their
twenty-first birthday.
So on his twenty-first birthday, the boy and his big
brother headed out to the lake. “If they did it, I could do
it,” he insisted.
When the boy and his brother arrived at the lake, they
rented a canoe and began paddling When they got to the
middle of the lake. The boy stepped off the side of the
boat and nearly drowned
Furious and embarrassed, he and his brother headed for
home When the boy arrived back at the house, he asked
his grandmother for an explanation.
She looked into his eyes and explained. That’s because
your father, grandfather and great grandfather were all
born in January. You were born in July.
musical Cord
A musical chord walked into a bar, wanting a drink
The bartender looks at the cord and says, “I’m sorry I
can’t serve you. You’re A minor.”
Q & A
Q: Why is a football stadium always cold?
A: It has lots of fans!
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: I’ve got so many problems.”
Condom
A blonde, brunette, and redhead were smoking cigarettes
one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, the redhead had
Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.
It began to pour down raining, so the redhead and
brunette both pull out condoms and put them on their
cigarettes. The blonde asked, “What are you doing?” and
they replied, “We’re saving it for later.”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde went to the nearest
store and asks for a condom. The clerk said, “What
size: small, medium, or large?”
She answers, “I don’t know, one to fit a Camel?”
Heaven
One day, three men died and went to heaven. “Religion?”
God’s secretary asked the first man.
“Jewish,” the man replied.
“Okay, go to room twenty-three, but be very quiet when
you go past room eight,” the secretary said.
“Religion?” he asked the second man.
“Muslim.”
“Go to room ten, but be very quiet when you go past
room eight.”
“Religion?” he asked the third man.
“Agnostic.”
“Go to room seventy-one, but be very quiet when you go
past room eight.”
“Why must I be quiet when I go past room eight?” the
man asked
The secretary replied, “Oh, the Catholics are in room
eight, and they think that they’re the only ones here.”
Tracks
Three blond girls were walking in the woods and came
upon tracks
The first one said, “Look, it’s deer tracks.”
The second one said, “No, it’s wolf tracks”
And before the third one could answer, they got hit by
a train.
Coco Pops
A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are in their
bedroom
“You know what?” says the seven-year-old. “I think it’s
time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you.”
“Okay,” replies the four-year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the seven-year old
what he wants for breakfast, he answers, “I’ll have
Coco Pops, bitch.”
Whack! He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes
out. The mother looks at the four-year-old and sternly
asks, “And what do you want?”
“I don’t know,” he replies. “But it sure won’t be Coco Pops.”
Carrot
One day, two carrots were walking down the street
A car came speeding around the corner and ran one of
them over The uninjured carrot cradled his buddy, telling
him over and over it would be OK.
Finally, the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured
carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him. Once
at the hospital, the uninjured carrot paced back and forth
in the emergency room, waiting to hear his pal was going
to be all right
The doctor came out He walked over to the distraught
carrot and said, “I have good news, and I have bad news
“The good news is that your friend is going to be all right.
“The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable for
NEW JOKE BOOK
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
PARACHUTES
PARACHUTES
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t prove that all
parachutes are perfect.
Which Is closer
So I asked a blonde, “Which is closer, Florida or the sun?”
She said, “The sun, because I can look up and see it.
Potato Sacks
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from
the police They run into an old barn and hide in potato
sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking
for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside,
and the redhead says, “Woof woof!”
The cop thinks it’s a dog, so he walks to the next one.
He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says,
“Meow meow!”
The cop believes it’s a cat and moves on. He kicks the
third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, “Potato
potato!”
Dentist
A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry, madam, but I’ll have
to charge you a hundred dollars for pulling your boy’s tooth.”
The mother exclaimed, “A hundred dollars! You said it
was only twenty dollars!”
“Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that
he scared four other patients out of the office!”
Napoleon
A French guy accidentally caused the gas range in his
kitchen to explode His neighbors have nicknamed him
Napoleon Blown-Apart.
Driving
A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when
they were stopped by the police
“Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the
husband
“Of course, you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re
always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said,
“And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the
husband
Again, the wife interrupted, “Of course, you knew it was
broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you
never have.”
The officer began to sympathize for the husband and
said, “Does she always talk to you like this?”
The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.
letter
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says G The teacher walks
over to him and says, “Why is that, Angus?”
Easter Bunny
Where does the Easter Bunny have breakfast?
At IHOP.
Horse
A blonde decides to try horseback racing
On her first outing, the bouncing horse causes her to
lose control. As she’s thrown from the horse, her foot
catches in the stirrup, so she lands head first.
Just as she loses consciousness, the carny stops the
Carousel.
Fart
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner.
This is her first time meeting the family, and she is
very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fi ne
meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole The
gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no
other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets
out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the
table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be
embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the
dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said
in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”
The woman thought, This is great! and a big smile came
across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning
to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She
let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit,
Ginger!”
Once again, the woman smiled and thought, Yes! A few
minutes later the woman had to let another one rip This
time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that
rivaled a train whistle blowing
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and
yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she
shits on you!”
Member
During an impassioned sermon about death and final
judgment, the pastor said forcefully, “Each member of
this church is going to die and face judgement.” Glancing
down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile
on his face.
The minister repeated his point louder “Each member
of this church is going to die and face judgement!”
The man nodded and smiled even more This really got
the preacher wound up He pounded the pulpit emphatically
when he came to the ultimatum: “Each member of this
church is going to die and face judgment!”
Though everyone else in the congregation was looking
somber, the man in front continued to smile.
Finally, the preacher stepped off the platform, stood
in front of the man and shouted, “I said each member of
this church is going to die!”
The man grinned from ear to ear.
After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline
for the man. “I don’t get it,” the preacher said in frustration.
“Whenever I said, ‘Each member of this church is
going to die,’ your smile got bigger. Why?”
“I’m not a member of this church,” the man replied.
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
-
STRIPPER
STRIPPER
The Following are my “Jokes of Today”. I hope they lift your Spirits.
What is the difference between a waitress who works
in a strip club and an actual stripper? About two weeks.
Don’t Ask
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house
for a playdate.
“Mommy,” the girl asks, “How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the
mother warns. “It is not polite.”
“OK,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”
“Now, really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions,
and they are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asked, “Why did you and Daddy
get a divorce?”
“Those are enough questions, honestly.” The exasperated
Mother walks away, and the two friends begin to play.
“My mom would not tell me anything,” the girl says to
her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her
driver’s license. It’s like a report card. It has everything
on it.”
The little girl says triumphantly, “I know that you are
twenty-nine. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh, really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
PROOF
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor
owes me $500, and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked
the lawyer
“Nope,” replied the man.
“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000
he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have
your proof!”
Unstable
Why was the structural engineer’s relationship so unstable?
Because there was no truss left!
made In
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth
After that, everything else was made in China.
Twenty Dollars
You don’t go paying them what they ask. You haggle.
At the Sydney airport, the two Irishmen catch a cab to
their hotel When they reach their destination, the cabbie
says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”
“Oh no, you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only
be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the men.
“And you’ll only be getting fifteen from me too,” adds
the other.
Q&A
Q: Why did I sell my vacuum cleaner.
A: It was just collecting dust.
Q: Why did the Invisible Man turn down the job offer?
A: He just couldn’t see himself doing the job.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Peter
Peter sat at his dying wife’s bedside. Her voice was little
more than a whisper
“Pete, darling,” she breathed, “I’ve a confession to make
before I go. I…I’m the one who took the $10,000 from
your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.
“And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city.
And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion
to the government.”
“Don’t give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you
think gave you the poison?” answered Peter.
Fireman
What did the fi reman name his two sons?
Jose A: and Jose B.
Speaker Phone
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell
phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the speaker
function and begins to talk.
Men: Yes?
Woman: I stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
looked at the new models I saw one that I really like
Man: How much?
Woman: $60,000?
Man: OK. But for that price I want it with all the options.
Woman: Great. Oh, and one more thing. That house that
we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking
$950,000.
Man: Well, go ahead and give them an offer, but only
$900,000, even.
Woman: OK, see you later. I love you.
Man: Bye. I love you too.
The men hung up The other men in the locker room are
looking at him in astonishment
Then the man asks, “Does anybody know who this phone
belongs to?”
Run
You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey,
Let’s run upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “I can’t
do both.”
Six Brazilian
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when
the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving
accident.”
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s
horrible!”
Confused, he replies, “Yes, dear, it is sad, but they were
skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How
many is a Brazilian?”
Great News!
Jack has just published a “Joke Book”
It is called: “Pe’Pa’s Best Jokes” and is available on Amazon.com in three volumes in both paperback and Kindle.
Brighten someone’s day with a LAUGH!!!!!!
Each volume is just $9.95 in paperback (available in 3 days) or $6.00 in Kindle (available immediately).
Available FOR A GIFT. All you need is an e-mail address or a street address.
Who do you know that could use a joke????????
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes
I am now in my eightieth year. I’ve liked telling jokes since I was a youth. I guess, basically, I like making people laugh. When I first moved to Florida, I used to go every Saturday night to an Italian restaurant around the corner from my condo—not so much for the great food, but because of the pretty blond waitress. Her name was Sasha, and she had the sexiest Russian accent. She was fifty years too young for me, but a guy can dream. One night I told her my talking dog story: A man was walking down the street, and he saw a dog on somebody’s front lawn. Next to the dog was a sign. It said Talking Dog for Sale. The man looked at the sign, looked at the dog, and said, “I don’t believe it.” The dog spoke up and said, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup. A matter of fact, I’ve had a long career as a spy. They ship me off to conferences. I sit in the corner like I’m taking a nap, and I remember everything and come back and tell my handlers.” The guy said, “That’s fantastic. Why are they selling you?” The dog said, “I don’t know.” The guy went up to the door and knocked. Somebody came. The guy said, “Is this your dog?” The man said, “Yes.” The man asked, “How much do you want for him?” “Ah, you can have him for twenty dollars.” “Twenty bucks for a talking dog? Why so cheap?” the man asked. The owner said, “That dog’s a liar. He’s never been out of the front yard.” When I got to the part about the dog saying, “Oh yes, it’s true. I’ve been able to speak since I was just a pup,” Sasha held up her hand and said, “Is this a true story?” I haven’t dreamed about her since, and I haven’t been back to that restaurant again. I’ve tried to make this book G-rated. Although I like a good dirty joke, I have resisted including them here. I’ve also eliminated any jokes that might be considered racist, and I have stopped telling them. I hope that you enjoy this book. If you can improve on any of my jokes, let me know, and I might include your improvements in my next edition. Also, if you want to share a favorite joke, please send it to me. My e-mail address is ProValueBooks@outlook.com.
Pe'Pa's Best Jokes 